Rather than rant and rave, I’ll tell you the good things; because today hasn’t made my horrible week end.
This season of my life has many ups and downs. I used to like roller coasters, but now that I feel like I’m on one 24/7 I don’t think that I like them as much.
Today had a good point though. And right now it is downloading.
It’s the new Iphone 3G S software. !
I really don’t have much to talk about. Well, I do, but I can’t write about it in here, which brings me to the next thing… Can you please pray for me? This week has been really stressful and it’s only Wednesday. It adds to the already stressful year, and I’m ready for it to end.
I have found a place of peace, but I can’t live in it all day, and it only seems to come when I am spending alone time with God.
So… Lastly… Here is the flyer for the event I will be ministering at. AND!!! Sharlene will be there too!!! It’s exciting, I know. It’s a good thing it’s an outside event because I don’t know how it could all be contained within a building.
I love reading other people’s blogs… sometimes.
I don’t get a chance to read some of the ones I used to read daily. But today I had a few free moments (because I delegated a task to a volunteer.) So I took some time to head over to Seth Barnes’ blog to catch up. I love reading his blogs. He is so honest, but gentle. Sometimes.
You should read it too, otherwise, this won’t make any sense to you.
One of the things I love most about Celebrate Recovery is that I can be real there. I don’t have to put on my facade that everything is perfect in my life. They have been right where I am, and see right through it. So why can’t I be that way at LWFC? Sometimes I feel like people are the fakest when they’re inside these 4 walls. This is where we are supposed to be able to come and heal, share and just love on one another.
I know that nobody’s life is perfect, and we are all weathering some sort of a storm, big or small, that is part of being a Christian. So why do we come to church and fake it? We all know we’re full of … (c word) We all know that there is some area that we need prayer in. So why do we get dressed in our ‘Sunday Best’ as Seth said, and put on a show of just how perfect our lives are?
If we’re struggling to keep up appearances each week we drag ourselves through the doors into the sanctuary, why not let our brothers and sisters, who have been exactly where you are, help you shake it off?
That’s what this community of believers is for, right?
We’re supposed to hold one another’s arms up when the winds start coming in harder.
So why have I found it harder and harder to just let go? I really want to be me around here, but right now, if I let it all out, people would probably think I am nuts. All of the little things that I could have gotten through individually, with the help of my brothers and sisters, has all compiled up and is now brewing and blasting me away. If I don’t let it go, it will keep growing.
Then what?
When I sit here and share my weaknesses, we become family.
When I sit here with a victory, we should still be family so that when the storm comes, you’re still there.
This is where you come in.
Where I am weak, you should fill in the gaps.
Where you are weak is where I should fill in the gaps.
We are family. That’s what we do.
So… if we’re being honest with each other, then let me say that right now, I have a lot of gaps and need a lot of filling.
I want the simplicity of heart described in Acts 2:41-47. I don’t want to have to dig through the garbage to get to the place of peace. And I don’t want you to either.
Please let me know when you have a need. I want to help you. That’s what we are all about.
Have you ever started typing something with great vigor only to discover that you’ve had your hand one over from the home key? Well, I had a great idea about what I was going to write about, but when I stopped spacing off, I noticed that nothing I had written made any sense.
I keep doing this lately. I have these really fancy stickers on my keyboard that Google sent to me, but it covers the little dots that my fingers are trying to find on my J and F.
I am reminded of a time when my H key would not work. You would be shocked at how many time you need to use the letter h. Especially when preparing a “How-To” speech for your final semester of college exam. I ended up changing the paper from a “How To Peel an Orange,” to “Ow To Write A Paper Witout Te Letter .” It went really well. I wish I had a copy of it right now, actually.
anywho…
(You missed me!)
My mission trip to Costa Rica is coming up really soon. I’m super excited about this year’s trip. The group of people going on the prayer trip is blowing up from 3 to EIGHT. It should be a great time. I have sent out all of my support packets, I hope. I don’t know what I am going to do next year. I keep increasing what goes into my letters.
So I went to the Dr. again. (Hooray!) I have written proof from a professional that I not only have a heart, but I am “normal.” It’s shocking, I know. But what can you do?! He’s a doctor. He has a degree. I am normal.
Also, everyone else keeps sharing pictures of their ultrasound, so here is mine. Not only is it cool looking, but it is proof that I have a heart. So for those of you who weren’t sure, … two words. (cram it)
So what has been a hoppin with you?
It seems like a super long time since I’ve blogged. Well, it has been a super long time since I blogged. And I can say now, that the reason that I quit was really dumb. And pretty much a LOL. So…
I’m listening to “Take It All” right now. It’s pretty much what I need.
Today in my quiet time I went over some old notes and I found a page from a Staff Devotion by Pastor Steve that was about our attitude. And lately, I’ve had a horrible attitude. Things are coming unglued all around me, and I don’t know how to handle it since the last time something like this happened I turned to the bottle. Well, I’m not going to do that. I’m stronger than those addictions. It’s really not worth it.
So today, rather than play the songs I wanted to play I decided to listen to praise songs.
“Today is the day You have made, I will rejoice and be glad in it. I won’t worry about tomorrow, I’m trusting in what you say…”
Because it’s what I need.
I’m not going to say that I won’t be a jerk to you ever again, but I know that I am going to let this large pile of… junk… go.
I’m not very good with being honest. Especially when it means you’ll know something that hurts me.
But right now I am so over hurting. It’s been long enough. And since I have nobody to talk to about this I’ll just post it here.
So… My heart feels like it’s made of concrete. I tried telling someone I thought I could trust, but they thought it was something way off and just the fact that they would ever even think I would do what they thought I did made the door to my heart slam shut. I ended up making up something dumb rather than tell them the truth.
So then I tried talking to someone else but ended up listening instead. Aparently I’m not the only one with hurts.
But then… It got worse. And I haven’t told anyone.
So now it has been over a year, and I’m not getting better, I’m getting worse, actually.
I can’t sleep.
I can’t stand the taste of coffee lately.
I have spent so much time alone these past few months that I am becoming my own worse enemy. I know all of my secrets. And that’s dangerous because I may end up telling on myself. Much like I am doing right now.
But the really interesting part is… I haven’t said a thing.
So you’re probably shocked and… whatever… I haven’t posted in awhile. So here I go.
1. I’m leaving for Iowa tomorrow. Aparently, it’s cold there and the snow is being measured in feet at this point. So I will have a white Christmas. And you won’t.
2. Gertrude… (tear) needs a new belt. So I get to purchase her one before I leave. I don’t want to get trapped with a blown up, overheated car.
3. My sister is having her baby anyday. She had better get on top of that so I can see her when I get there…
4. I’m already running out of things to talk about. Um… …
5. … nothing.
So I guess making a list isn’t working.
Um… my life is scheduled and I follow the schedule, and there hasn’t really been very much that hasn’t been on that schedule that I could tell you about. Accept for 1-5.
I recently blogged about our staff devotions, how Pastor Steve was talking about being a true person of integrity and character. I have more thoughts on that.
Our character defines who we really are.
There is a saying, “You don’t know what’s in a tube until you squeeze it.” That is true of us. Who we are in everyday life should be who we are when we’re ’squeezed.’ What happens behind closed doors when it’s just the Holy Spirit watching you? Would you do or say the same things in public?
Image vs. Character
The Nike corporation has a slogan, “Image is everything.” But it’s not. What you do behind closed doors shows your true character, and that true character will be revealed in your image.
Mark 4:22 says – “For there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that it should come to light.”
I took it upon myself to look up the word “nothing” in the dictionary.
There were quite a few definitions, but this one got to me: “something or someone of no importance or significance.”
Something or someone of no importance or significance. So, the little things that you don’t think matter, matter to your character. The people who you associate with who you find so insignificant, are actually significant to your character.
The Word says in I Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.”"
Bad company corrupts your good character. The people you spend time with should be people who can help improve your character, not drag you down.
It’s hard for me to say this and not feel like a jerk, but there are so many people that I have had to cut out of my life because they were corrupting my character. It’s a really hard thing to do. But since I truly love those people that I have had to cut out, I can say with confidence, that my image has greatly improved. Not only has my ‘behind closed doors,’ character grown, but it is showing in my image. And more and more I am seeing the image of Christ, who we are to be imitators of.
The things you put in you are the things that come out. Sometimes it takes hard decisions to get you where you truly desire to be, to do what is right for you and your relationship with Christ.
This weekend while listening to Pastor Steve teach us about prayer, the Holy Spirit brought a thought into my mind and it has been bouncing around since.
What did it take to get you where you are?
A lot.
Tonight I will be giving a short testimony at Celebrate Recovery. There is a huge part of me that utterly despises speaking about my past, but then I get to tell them about the “story book ending” to my tale.
Not only was I a companion to the wicked and loved their wicked ways, but I was the wicked one corrupting others’ good character.
1 Happy are those who don’t listen to the wicked,
who don’t go where sinners go,
who don’t do what evil people do. 2 They love the Lord’s teachings,
and they think about those teachings day and night. 3 They are strong, like a tree planted by a river.
The tree produces fruit in season,
and its leaves don’t die.
Everything they do will succeed.
Psalm 1:1-3
I love verse 29:11 in Jeremiah. “I say this because I know what I am planning for you,” says the Lord. “I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future.”
That is my story book ending to my tragic tale. Before I was even born, I had a good future.
But in order to get there, I must be fully mature in my Christ-like character. I want my character to match my image. And I was created in the image of Christ.
I may not be able to tell you who to vote for, but I can tell you who NOT to vote for. I’m not 100% sure that I really want either candidate to be the next President, but there are some really tough issues that I feel strongly about that I know that one of the candidates agree with me.
ABORTION.
It worries me a bit to think about all of the children that have been killed because some people couldn’t deal with giving themselves up for a new life. I do know that some people made the decision to get an abortion and now regret it. Now. But that baby was still killed.
These are our future leaders, future mentors to our next generation. Our future presidents.
If you want to be ‘Pro-Choice,’ that’s great. But let’s give that child a choice.
Enough of that.
This weekend I did some things. Wanna seeeeeee?
Friday was my 6 year anniversary for being without drugs. We celebrated (after Family Fest) by going to the Ale House. I got home near 2am. Even though we were drinking decaf coffee, I still didn’t wake up well. I haven’t stayed up that late in “some time.” And I had a busy schedule the next day.
Saturday, Esperanza and I went to the mall. She played. I sat.
I told the woman to launch her. So she did.
And then there’s Miss Scarlet Rayne. She’s super cute. Especially when she scrunches up her nose and says “mima!”
So I went to the Dr. again. (Hooray!) I have written proof from a professional that I not only have a heart, but I am “normal.” It’s shocking, I know. But what can you do?! He’s a doctor. He has a degree. I am normal. 
