Here’s the Dealioyo


I moved to Cary.  So far, so good.  It sure is quite the little drive after going from just down the street to get to church.  It’s well worth it, though.
I am living with a family here, and doing “nanny” type work for them.  I basically watch their daughter while they do their stuff.  Today we sang songs and danced a bit and played.

I have been trying to figure things out lately.  Things have gotten so “extreme” I can’t believe it’s all happening.  Extreme is the only real word I can come up with.  It’s not that things are bad, they’re really quite neutral, it’s just that the average in scoring how ‘things’ are gets thrown way off with so many tragedies.   But all of the beauty drowns that out.  I don’t think I could have made it through all of this anywhere but here.

It’s like… Things are going well, or so they seem, then something happens that makes things get all merky, then they sort of level off, then tragedy hits, and it’s so heart breaking that my brain cannot process it.  I have never felt such loss, but I have this peace.  It’s exactly as Paul said, “a peace that surpasses all understanding.”
My head says “gaaaaah!” But my heart says ❤

I’ve been listening to a lot of praise music lately, I can’t get enough.  I ‘found’ this guy online, and he sings this song that I can’t stop playing.  I say ‘found’ like he’s new, but I went to school with him, like … all of it.  I’m glad to see that not everyone from that town was fully corrupted.  ha.  Anyways, this song is called “Simple Praise.”
I was going to put up a bit of the song, but here’s the whole thing.

“it’s so much easier
to praise You with my voice
it’s so much easier
to praise You in this noise
but in the quiet of my heart
are You king?
and are You satisfied my God
as i sing?
Lord You want all of me
not just here but when i leave.
and Lord You desire to simple praise
of obedience to Your ways.

it’s so much easier
to praise You under these lights
as my emotions dance
sending a chill down my spine

but in the darkest of my nights
are You my God?
and are You honored in my life
in every thought?”

It makes me wonder if I really am praising Him in every area of my life.  I know that my worship has hit a new level, but when He sees me, does He see a reflection of Himself, or just a broken heart?  I know that in our brokenness, He is shown to be our strength, and I know that if it weren’t for my relatinship with Him I would be so messed up right now.
When Anthony died, I felt like such a failure.  He asked all the right questions, and I thought I answered them pretty well, so maybe he was just trying to see for himself if a place without pain really existed.  Did he even make it?  Did anything I say even matter?
When do I stop caring for these people?  We called ourselves “family” so why are they all so alone?  How is it that there are so many people in place that all feel like suicide is the way out?    How is it that I let myself get to that place?  What are the words that make them stop?  It doesn’t seem to matter how many times I say “I love you.”  I can’t even speak those word anymore.  It seems like the more I say that to a person, the more they want to kill themselves.  Too bad that’s not a joke.
I’m getting way off the point here, you’re gong t think I’m nuts.
What i’m trying to say is that this is not over.  The enemy is not gong to stop attacking us until he is taken out.  He thinks that by attacking our heart, and mostly, literally, our hearts, he will defeat us.  He needs to get a copy of the NKJV and read that last book about how he is taken down with his whole kingdom.
I just get worried sometimes that I’m not ready.  But then I take a step back and see all that I have overcome in the past… 26 short years…  And I see how He has always been there.  There is not one thing that has happened to me that hasn’t turned into a testimony. humpf.  I just read that, and bygolly, I’m ending on it.
If you want to (I think you should) hear that song, go to Brian’s page.
Don’t forget why we’re doing this…
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