I just finished reading Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. It was so good. I laughed, I cried, but most of all I mended my busted up toes. He speaks on this level that, I think, connects with everyone. I learned a whole lot. It was good.
There are a lot of things in me that I am still working on changing, as many of you know that know me, or don’t. But there are some things that have got to change right now.
When he was talking about sitting in a storage closet between services, not wanting to continue, I flashed back to a day when I was at LWFC and I just wanted to quit.
I was an intern with 24/7, and my six-month commitment was about up. I was supposed to be telling Ms. Tammy whether I was going to do another six months or be done. I had to write a paper on the things I have learned being an intern, and how I’ve grown by working alongside some of the greatest leaders in LWFC. (You cannot convince me that there are greater people in the world than those at LWFC.)
I had no idea what to write. So I was praying about it and God started connecting to me on a level that makes my spirit move. He gave me a song. This song is basically about who I was before Christ and who I am becoming ‘in Him.’
I wanted to quit. I started seeing my internship as a ‘job.’ I dreaded getting up to go to work, and I felt myself slacking in the daily tasks I was given. Things weren’t getting done, and I was the only one to blame.
But when I was writing this paper it was revealed to me just how much I have grown since the start of my internship.
For any of you who read that paper, or if you heard PSteve talk about it on a Sunday, you know my heart. My life will never be the same because of Twentyfour7. The lives of so many kids will never be the same because I put some note cards in a back pack and made sure there were always pens available.
This book brought that all back to me. I was trying to become ‘super intern.’ I had a lot of responsibilities, and I had let them slack because it was just getting ‘too hard.’ I was trying to rely on my strength rather than seek God’s strength. When I read the words, “kill your superwhatever,” I thought about how I had to strike down my intern ego. I was “Kelsie the intern,” instead of Kelsie one of God’s beloved children.
I was trying to be a good Christian, going to church services, singing the songs, doing the motions, jumping through all the right hoops, as Rob put it, but I wasn’t letting Jesus heal my soul.
I have a lot of baggage, and I’m going to be the first one to tell you that I still hurt. But trying to be something or someone I am not is not going to fix me.
I don’t know if any of this is making sense, I’m not sure if I want it to. I don’t know that I want you people to really know my soul. But until I can find a way to reveal myself in a real way, I will not grow, and I do not want to become stagnant. I don’t want to be just another face in the congregation.
“The way of Jesus is a journey, not a destination. On a journey, the scenery changes…” If I am not changing, I am not on the journey. If I stay the same I am only waiting to get to the destination. I am just clinging to what I have rather than seeking what I could have. If my faith falls apart, it really wasn’t that strong to begin with. I am tired of falling apart. I am ill with the disease called self.