It’s not surprising to me to find that so many people at LWFC have such amazing gifts and talents. I’m pretty sure that if you’re one of my 3 regular viewers, you’ve heard about or met Sharlene Provilus. I just need to brag on her for awhile. This woman of God has this amazing gift for spoken word, poetry… that sort of thing. It’s amazing.
Every time I hear her it strikes me straight through the heart.
Tonight she did a piece called, “Baby girl, you don’t have to be so strong.” It was amazing. It was mostly as though she were standing there telling everyone my secrets. And then Tammy was talking about “Scars Remain.” This has been a tough series for me.
My past sucked.
I have a lot of scars.
After hearing this series, I have found that issues that I thought were scars are really just scabbed wounds.
dictionary.com said that a scab is: 1.the incrustation that forms over a sore or wound during healing.
Basically, it’s me not allowing God to heal me, but rather just putting something over it to protect it for a short time. Putting another brick in the wall around my heart. Claiming a strong dislike towards touch rather than just admitting it scares the @#$% out of me. The fear of letting another person anywhere near the real me, close to my heart and then being hurt by them is something I don’t think I can take again.
I don’t even know if I know who I really am.
I’ve had to deal with something in my past lately that really messed me up. I thought that I had forgiven someone for hurting me, and then I found out that the whole issue with the chest pain, swelling, whatnot, was from that hurt.
April 19, 2003 I was beaten and left for dead. My skull was cracked, nose was broken and 3 ribs cracked. I thought everything had healed fine and then the chest pain started. It was due to one of the ribs not healing properly. Infection had gotten in there somewhere and cartilage had grown around it, but then the infection caused the cartilage to swell, thus giving me chest pains that gave me a journey to the ER.
That is the world’s explanation. The Word’s explanation is that “by His wounds, I AM healed.” As in already.
It just that as soon as I ‘forgive’ this guy, something pops into my life to remind me. It usually has to do with him trying to contact me. Just the fact that he knows where my church is and has been there sends a wave of terror through me. Combine that with his shady disposition and I’m a paranoid freak. He may say that he just wants to ‘talk,’ but then there are the times when he says he wants to finish the job.
No weapon formed against me shall prosper.
The obvious common denominator here is that whenever I try to do something BIG for the Kingdom of God, Satan tries to attack me. Whenever I try to share my testimony with others, Satan tries to remind me. He causes pain as a remembrance. He does these little things to try and get to me, but I’m through with his junk.
I may have been a failure in the past, I may have messed everything up in the past… But that’s just it. It’s in the past.
I may have on a facade of being strong, and tough, but the real me is such a girl. I may not wear pretty ribbons in my hair or lacy dresses. Or dresses period. But the wounds that have scabbed over are now opened so that I may FINALLY allow God to heal me.
“1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.”
He truly will turn my pain into beauty.
So there it is. Baby girl, you don’t have to be so strong.