Rather than sleep…


I am blogging.

I was just reading through my ‘paper’ journal and found some things that I want to share.

I’m not sure why, maybe it’s because I feel like people don’t know the real me. Or maybe I don’t know the real me. Either way, here is some stuff. It’s all pretty random…

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8-8-07 – One of my supervisors asked if I had just given my life to the Lord over the weekend… Because she had been praying for me.
Spend quality time with quality people…
I miss having friends. I spend 70% of my time at work, usually in the garden alone and then the rest of the time I am alone alone…

“Joy is deeper than happiness, because happiness is dependant on our circumstances. Joy is a deep inner peace of the soul that abides even if the world collapses at your feet.” – Clayton King

8-19-07 – I did laundry at the Bell-Pearce laundro-mat. The missionaries talked at prayer. I wasn’t one of them.
I’m glad I didn’t go. What a hypocrite I would have been to be trying to tell them how to live like a Christian when I was barely recognizable as a decent person at that time. I have grown a lot since being back, but I still need work. I am a constant work in progress. I also gave my heart away to someone I shouldn’t have. Woopsie!
Amy texted to say she misses me. Hopefully I never have to go back there. I’ll just miss them and maybe one day get over the hurt.

8-23-07 – My heart is broken about Iowa. I miss the people, but they are all like poison.
a heart defect:
I may die from this. Some days are better than others. Once in awhile I just can’t seem to catch my breathe – it hurts too bad to even try. I pray every day for a healing, but I can’t see it yet. I know it will happen though.
The other day I fell on my face sobbing in pain. This heart condition is like a fire, that I can’t seem to put out. I have visions of how it could be, how it should be. I would rather die right here than have anyone else feel this pain.
It’s the pain of a broken heart.
I can’t even explain with words what I feel – I know how to love. I know how to say it, I know how to show it, but I can’t. I want them all to know this kind of love.
My heart shattered when I had to cross Anthony off my prayer list. I feel like I failed him and everyone else by not being who God called me to be.
He said “you’re always so hard on yourself!” I don’t know why, but I feel like even more of a failure now. I know he just wanted to see for himself. But I wish he would have just taken my word.
One day I’ll be able to open my mouth to say I LOVE YOU!
Maybe then I’ll finally be happy.

8-28-07
He’s 13 today and half my age for one year.
My faith can move a mountain, but that spoon hasn’t budged an inch.
I am a fertile thinker and not a futile thinker.

9-7-07 – It’s confirmed… I talk in my sleep.

9-8-07 – Today I got to witness the most awkward kiss of all time.

9-9-07 – smitten.
“Faith is not the absence of fear, it is overcoming fear with the end in sight.”

9-15-07 – Favorite topic of conversation: Random things.
I’m really not that interesting.
Daily Inventory:
I think my only friend hates me.
Today is international talk like a pirate day.
I have decided to stop willfully sinning. I’ll let you know how that works out.

9-23-07 – Done being nervous.

9-27-07 – This is my last night being 25.

9-28-07 – It’s my birthday, a Friday night, 7:54pm and I’m in bed.
I worked in the garden, alone, all day. Mom-e dearest made me feel like crap with her… happy birthday call. I found out I have a 3 year old niece with the same birthday as me. I sat around on the couch and watched Napoleon Dynamite in Spanish in my underwear.

1 0-1-07 – mom-e dearest spelled my name wrong on a birthday gift she sent me. I miss sister.

10-2-07 – God’s timing is better than mine.

10-7-07 – Last night I picked up a couple of crack heads from the middle of a country road and went on a drug deal with them. They were “out of gas” so I took them to get some but the guy “left his wallet in the car” and asked me for money. Then they needed me to take them to get a ride for their kid. They must have thought I was retarded! We were in a ghetto fabulous trailer park looking for a guy called “Square.” I left them at their car and drove away. I hope they didn’t die. And… I hope they got their ‘kid.’
I can’t make this kind of stuff up.

10-13-07 – “I don’t know why I do the things I do not want to do and do not do the things I do want to do.”

10-14-07 – If everyone was always honest with everything our problems wouldn’t always be so big.

10-28-07 – I called in “not coming” to work so I could sleep in and go to church. PSteve talked about 4th Dimensional stuff. I realized something as well. Things in the4D realm often take some time with darkness working against it, but when its for satan, it comes quicker. He is working in his own realm, in his own world, on his own turf.

11-7-07 – So-n-so called. I told him if the drugs don’t kill him I may. Was that wrong? I also canceled our night of bear chasing. Still love him though. For some reason.

11-24-07 – I’m bitter and rude to someone I love so I ‘won’t get hurt.’ Which hurts. I’m trying to drive down a road I haven’t paved yet.
Little things keep bothering me, I just need to let them go, but it’s easier to focus on the many little things than see how messed up the big things are… which I ignore most of the time.
I tried explaining some things to someone, how they’re making me stumble… Their response? “stop stumbling.”
Feeeeeeeeeeeeeeear.

12-19-07 – People disappear from churches and never return because of many reasons. What are we doing about it? Why are they leaving? How could we have plugged them in so they feel like apart of the body?

12-22-07 – When people die, everything changes. Every relationship I have seems to be altered by a death of someone. We always drift apart. It sucks. I feel like I am always going out of my way to keep a relationship with my family and I don’t feel like they care so much. So I’ve decided to stop. I’ll call them every couple of months to ask about the weather, but that’s going to be the beginning of the end. My phone line goes both ways.

12-25-07 – Christmas is over. I tried sleeping through it like Thanksgiving, but I couldn’t. Thank you.

1-5-08 – crushed…

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and that’s the end…

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3 thoughts on “Rather than sleep…

  1. So I was noticing the date for the most awkward kiss that you ever saw…that wouldn’t be me and Sean would it?!! LOL. Glad that i was able to break bread with you yesterday. Hava good week!!!

  2. I think you’re amazing! Being so transparent takes incredible strength.

    If it makes you feel any better…. my mother has been disappointing me my entire life. Unconditional love also takes incredible strength!… but with that comes freedom & a weightless heart.

    …. & even though the story of the drug run & the guy named “Square” wasn’t intended for comical purposes… it sure made me giggle.

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