Vale La Pena


I have just finished reading a book, and it pretty much made me jealous to the point where I have decided to heed their words and put them into action in my own life.

The book is called “When Dreams Come True.”

And rather than re-write the book, I’ll just tell you what I have decided to do in my life to mirror the joy they found on their journey.

If you weren’t aware of it, I am a girl.  A girly girl, even.  And as embarrassing as this may be, I am going to be sharing some stuff with you that is a whole new window into my heart.

When I was a little girl, like many other girls, I wanted a prince to ‘rescue’ me, whatever that means.  It’s not that I am a damsel in distress, but society had painted this picture for me, that girls are princesses, and boys are princes, and the prince always comes to rescue his princess.  Well, after years of putting that off as childish, I have discovered that it is true, after all.
In the eyes of my Father, I am one of His most precious and desirable possessions.  He sent His Son, Jesus to die for me, to purchase me back from the devil.  Therefore, I am of high value, and whatever He is asking of me is only because He wants the very best for me.  I am His princess, and He is jealously guarding my life.

I have been wondering lately, if God is hearing me when I am asking about my future.  I may be a pretty patient person, but lately I have been wondering how God has been so patient with me.  All along I was thinking that it was me who was being patient with Him, waiting for His timing, when in actuality; it was most likely Him waiting for my obedience for things to start moving again.

I have been asking for a few years now, who my future husband will be.  I keep bothering God asking “is he here yet?  Do I know him?  Is it so-n-so?  When, God, WHEN!?!”
I have my answer now, and it was something that, at first, I thought was from the devil, but have come to realize, that God is giving me a little insight.  He is giving me a ‘heads up’ if you will.

One of the things that I have always desired or my future husband is that he be my best friend.  Which seems very reasonable, but in order to have him be my best friend, I must first make friends.

Is that rhema word or common sense?  Either way, it makes sense.

1.Make friends.  Preferably with real people.

Some of you may think that I am joking when I say that, but you’d be surprised.  There are really only a handful of people who I would consider a friend, and most of them are married.

While having a conversation today with one of those people I realized that I don’t get to do that very often.  The times when I get to sit down with someone and just talk is few and far between.
So that has become one of my new goals.

Then there was the other part of that conversation where I kept thinking about how I had been such a failure, but God had pulled me through.  This made me realize that the things that I have to offer in a relationship may look like used junk to the world, but look like purity in God’s eyes.  You see, when I asked God to be the center of my life, He took me as is, and called me His own.  He placed me on His lap and took all of my fears and failures away and made me new.

One of my favorite scriptures is Psalms 51.

1. “God, be merciful to me
because you are loving.
Because you are always ready to be merciful,
wipe out all my wrongs.
2 Wash away all my guilt
and make me clean again.
3 I know about my wrongs,
and I can’t forget my sin.
4 You are the only one I have sinned against;
I have done what you say is wrong.
You are right when you speak
and fair when you judge.
5 I was brought into this world in sin.
In sin my mother gave birth to me.
6 You want me to be completely truthful,
so teach me wisdom.
7 Take away my sin, and I will be clean.
Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Make me hear sounds of joy and gladness;
let the bones you crushed be happy again.
9 Turn your face from my sins
and wipe out all my guilt.
10 Create in me a pure heart, God,
and make my spirit right again.
11 Do not send me away from you
or take your Holy Spirit away from me.
12 Give me back the joy of your salvation.
Keep me strong by giving me a willing spirit.
13 Then I will teach your ways to those who do wrong,
and sinners will turn back to you.
14 God, save me from the guilt of murder,
God of my salvation,
and I will sing about your goodness.
15 Lord, let me speak
so I may praise you.
16 You are not pleased by sacrifices, or I would give them.
You don’t want burnt offerings.
17 The sacrifice God wants is a broken spirit.
God, you will not reject a heart that is broken and sorry for sin.
18 Do whatever good you wish for Jerusalem.
Rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will be pleased with right sacrifices and whole burnt offerings,
and bulls will be offered on your altar.”

It says, “Make me clean again…”   To me, that means, I was once clean, then sinned, and want God to make me clean again.
There is so much that I could peel out of this chapter.  Like when David says, “Take away my sin and I will be clean.   Wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”

I’m not sure if you’ve even seen snow, but it’s pretty white.  But God can make me, a known sinner, whiter than snow, purer than snow.

I can’t let my past drag me down.  God has forgiven me of all of that.  He has renewed in me a clean heart again.  I am whiter than snow.

When looking back over my past failures I see how whenever I would experience disappointment, I would quickly run to the nearest rationalization to purchase a protective armor. So as to never let disappointment hurt me again.  It is like buying bricks for the wall around my heart.

And now I see how that is the biggest disappointment of them all.  Not allowing others into my heart in fear of being hurt has put me in a place where… nobody is near my heart.  That may not sound all… prophetic and deep, but it’s where I’m at.
And in order for me to complete goal 1, I must…

2. Tear down the wall around my heart.

The only way I can form true and meaningful relationships with people is to let them into my heart.  I will get hurt, but that is why the Holy Spirit is there; to comfort me when this does happen.  It isn’t always our intention to hurt one another, but as human beings, we do.  We can’t let it stop us from forming bonds with one another, though.

I don’t need to be reminded of every experience that shaped me or all the valleys and the mountain tops along the way.  He knew how I would fall, and, yet, He was waiting on the other side of my failure and my shattered dreams with some dreams of His own.  He never let me out of His sight.

One thing that I am overcoming is living how others think I should.  Priorities, standards, etc…  But I have realized that God’s priorities and standards are so much higher than anything that this world could come up with and when we start accepting the world’s standards for living we stop living for something beautiful and start accepting something mediocre.  I don’t want that.

When you give those standards up you find peace, joy and a love that stares you in the eye and dares you to face the pain so as to gain the prize on the other side.
The journey may be painful at times, but it’s the destination that holds the prize.

Society will plant things in your head.  They will tell you to act or dress a certain way.  You may not even notice the poison slowly dripping into your veins, but one day, you’re suddenly different.  You don’t remember the change because it was so gradual.  That is what happened to me.  I was on the back porch of a friend’s house, drunk and all spun out on methamphetamine with my hands wrapped around a woman’s throat.  I kept thinking, “How did I get to this place?  This isn’t what I pictured for my life.”    It was that night that I boarded a bus for North Carolina, a choice that changed my whole life.  It was the night that I took the first step in God’s master plan for my life.
I couldn’t see it then, but God was guiding me.  I was nowhere near being a Christian, in fact, I openly worshiped Satan.

Satan likes to implant thoughts seed by seed.  It’s like tiny drops of poison slowly collecting to form deadly venom and then suddenly he has robbed you.  He likes to trick us into thinking that this world is all there is for us.  He likes to make us think that there is nothing left to offer us.

I know what it’s like to mess with dynamite while holding a burning match.

Throughout my life I didn’t comprehend the power that was working in my life.  I didn’t see that a sovereign hand was directing my steps, even when I thought I was making all my own decisions.  Years later, it was obvious what God was doing.  He was speaking to me.  Not in an audible voice, but in a way that transcends my understanding – even now.  All I know is that a gentle voice was communicating with my heart.

I am not in North Carolina or LWFC by accident.  It is no coincidence that I just happened to meet the people I did on the day I did and the place I did that introduced me to a relationship with the Creator of the Universe.

The day that I realized all of this, it was like waking up from a dream.  My life suddenly changed when I realized that I could have a living, daily, active relationship with the Creator of the Universe.

Something that I have realized is that the world loves to watch us slide off the cliff of compromise right next to them.  There are people out there actually seeking God.  They are actively searching for real pictures of Christianity.  What are they seeing when they look at me?  Are they seeing someone who has been given a second chance at a life worth-while, or am I just another failure, biding my time until the end?
Christianity was not meant to be packaged into a dusty old book and sit there waiting until Sunday.
God never asks us to do something that He doesn’t give us the strength to accomplish.  If I really want Him to be first, I have to get away from everything that distracts me from Him.  This seems easy when I say it, but it means I have to leave a lot of things behind.
One thing that I am having a hard time with is my family.  Besides feeling like I am abandoning them, I feel like I have left them to be devoured by wolves.  I have come to accept my church family as my only family.

And I know that there are a few people in my family that are going to read this, but I am through pretending.  It breaks my heart to see such sadness.  And it makes me want to scream when I see each and every gift from God that they pass up.    But like I said, the world loves to see us slide off the cliff right next to them.
They just assume that they are too messed up for anyone to ever find any value in them.  They’ve made too many mistakes to ever be considered pure, or made new.  They’re too old to bother…  I’ve heard every excuse.  They’ve obviously never met me.

The secret to unlocking dreams is to allow God to write them.

God loves me more than I can comprehend.  No matter what mistakes I made in the past, from now on, I will set myself aside in complete purity and faithfulness for the man I will one day marry.

“My child, you cannot even imagine how beautiful dreams can be… when I make them come true.”

If you have no dreams, He can’t make them come true.

If you expect a match made in Heaven you have to give God the pen to write your love story.

In my search for the ‘perfect match’ I made quite a few mistakes, many of which are still spinning out of control.  Each relationship with someone who was not ‘the one’ stole a little piece of my heart.  I may not still be ‘in love’ with these guys, but I was at one point.  They still have a little piece of my heart. So what is left to offer the one God has set aside for me?  Who would want someone who is dragging around a shattered heart?
But then I go back to Psalm 51 and see who I really am.  I am purer than snow.  I am made clean, again.

I have compromised our relationship in so many ways –trying to fit Him into my life instead of building my whole life around Him.  How am I supposed to just change everything around to fit into the picture He has already painted for my life? I’m not sure. But I do know that with each step I take towards my future, God is faithful to keep the scenery beautiful.
There is a reason why my life no longer blends in with the rest of the world.  It is because I have been set apart and am no longer of this world.  I have learned to look at my life through God’s eyes instead of my own – to see the bigger picture.  We both know where I’ve been, but only He knows where I am going.  And if I see how faithful He has been with the small pieces of my life, I will be patient to allow Him to write the rest of it.
I can no longer let other people’s input distract me from what God is trying to say.  I can no longer worry about what others think I should be doing with my life. I should let God tell me what to do with my life.

I’ve been looking for someone who turns my head, but the thing I want above all else, is someone who turns my heart.  I once wanted someone who would love me more than anyone or anything else.  But now I want someone who loves only Jesus more than me.  I spent the treasures inside of me on useless things when I should have been storing it up for my future husband. I know that whoever God has prepared for me will be worth the wait – I only hope he thinks the same of me.
God makes us single for a season so we may learn how to be fulfilled and whole in Him.
This season of loneliness is preparing me for my season as a wife and mother.  It is only a pit-stop on the way to true love.

He is Jehovah Jireh.

If I am obedient even when it doesn’t make sense, He will never let me down.

There are two kinds of secrets:  there are those that hide deceit and crooked ways, and there are those that hide buried treasure and amazing surprises.  I want to be the second one. I know that there is a buried treasure somewhere inside of me and I want to maintain its value in purity. I will no longer compromise the world’s version of good enough for God’s version of perfection.

We long for the intimacy of someone else because God created us to be intimate with Him, having a best friend to share that with was a gift from God.

Whenever you bare your soul to a friend you easily filter out Christ’s love from human love.  Only Christ’s love can forgive and move on.  Only Christ’s love can stare into the face of a caterpillar and see a butterfly.

Amazing things happen when you allow God to write you a beautiful love story.

I want Jesus to be the guest of honor at my wedding, and in order to do that, I must maintain the purity that He purchased for me.  When we offer ourselves as pure vessels, it is handing God a handful of pebbles, He in turn gives us a truck load of jewels.

God offers us something that all of the money in the world can’t buy.

Purity.

And that is the biggest gift I could ever offer my future husband.

Have I met him yet?  I don’t know, but I do know that God has the pen and He will write me a beautiful love story.

Vale la pena – it is worth the pain.

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5 thoughts on “Vale La Pena

  1. Wow. That’s all I have to say is wow.

    You’re an amazing woman of God Kelsey and I’m in awe of the work that God is doing to you and how much you’re growing.

    Thank you for writing this, it really hit home.

  2. WOW! I was totally blown away by this whole entry. It was amazing and I am glad that you shared this side of you. I think you are amazing and I know God is going to give you the desires of your heart. He wants to do that for all of His children, we just have to be obedient to Him.

    Who is the author of that book you read? I think i want to start reading it.

  3. Kelsie, you are a beautiful woman in every way. Your Father God is so delighted by you. I admire the way you have such a grasp of the depth of your value to Him and how you have been made brand new. I pray that will “rub off” on me! How wise you are to want your husband to be your best friend. When I met Steve, I found out what that means, and we have a better marriage than I ever could have thought up on my own. You are a pearl of great price, a precious treasure. Your future husband is a very blessed man 🙂

  4. I see you give yourself to bless so many. My confession is that the seeds you have sown in so many others lives will produce fruit in yours. Your future mate is fast approaching, and he will see you the in much the same way you see yourself…so learn to see yourself as the beautiful, amazing Woman Of God that you are. Perfect, maybe not. Beautiful and amazing, absolutely!

  5. Pingback: Trackback | Kelsie J.

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