More Secrets

I hate being a girl. Or maybe I just hate the whole emotional part of it. I’m not really all that much an emotional person, but lately I have been. For some reason or another. Well… I know the reason. And now there is another reason… and soon it will change.

But for right now, I’ll just let you be confused, wondering what I am going on about.

Although… If I were more open and honest, I could just flat out say it. But I’d rather be shady. It saves some hurt. I guess.


I’m pretty sure I don’t want to learn more songs to play on the mission trip. I’m mostly sure I don’t want to play ever again. Well… not so much that. I want to play my own stuff. I’ve been throwing out song after song, but I don’t get a chance to finish it because I have to learn x# of songs for whichever band I have to learn them for. 90% of them only get played in my bedroom.
It’s not wasted effort. I’d just rather play my own music.

And on that note… I think that in being my shady, secretive self I have led some people to not know certain things about me.
I’m not sure why, but I told someone that I wanted to try out for a solo for the LWFC praise team, and they laughed at me. Since they ‘know me so well,’ they assumed that I have no musical skill. So now I’m in a rut. I don’t want to play anything right now.
Tonight we (Sebrina, Patrick, me) got together to practice some songs for Costa RIca and… accomplished nothing. Which is not unusual…
I did, however, get to sing my heart out on the ride home… when I wasn’t contemplating fleeing.

I’m pretty sure that I have good reasons to be stressed right now, but then I think about Matthew 6:26. I know that I will be ok, but someone else’s decision is about to dramatically change my life. And waiting for their decision is making my face want to explode.
Either way… I don’t feel like I have prepared myself enough for the future.

I always thought I had everything planned out perfectly.
I would become a rock-star, retire loaded, and die some tragic death.
Well… I accomplished 2/3 of that… Obviously, not the greatest plan, but at least I had one.

So now… I thought I had my purpose in sight, I thought I was pressing on toward the goal, but whenever I catch a glimpse of it, it all seems so far off.

I’m rambling. You’ll have to pardon the mess.

Something else…
I talked to Sebrina tonight about ‘stuff’ and something came up that messed my brain up. But I can’t really get in to that without revealing one of my deep, dark secrets. Although, if we’ve ever talked for a decent length of time, I’ve probably mentioned it.
I just got sidetracked looking at videos of said ‘stuff.’ mmmmmmmiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I’m done.


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