Now that I am done working. I can say that I have successfully completed my first day as the Administrative Assistant to the P.M.T.
The Mission Trip…
Oh my word.
I don’t even really have all of the words I need to describe everything that happened. Mostly good things, but something else, too. Something not as good as good, but… worse. Sorry if that doesn’t make sense.
I found some. It’s really quite spectacular.
Let me start off by saying that before I went, if you asked me if I was ready to go, I would say no. I would also say that I didn’t want to go.
Now, this isn’t because I hate preaching the Gospel to people in foreign countries. I love that. The whole thing. I love it. But when I was praying about what part of my testimony I would be giving for each of the times I would be required, the Holy Spirit kept telling me three parts that I hate telling. One of which, I had not told more than 10 people. So I was a bit anxious about that.
You’re probably thinking, “so what? What’s the big deal?!”
It is a big deal.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Secrets don’t make friends.” Well, I have changed it to “Secrets keep friends.” It’s not that I like keeping some of my deep, dark secrets, but it’s easier to keep some of them than to have people know some of my deep dark secrets. I’m not one to enjoy a public embarassment about something that I did one time that was horrible.
But anyways… I decided that if God could make the way, I would go. He did, so I did.
I will never be the same.
What really sucked, sorry about that word, was that after giving my testimony, I was soooooo so very tired. Completly exhausted. The emotional and spiritual ‘junk’ I had to go through in those few minutes physically drained me. Not to mention (I guess I just did) I had some weird rash down my left side, and I had some sort of allergic reaction to something I ate.
(Patrick & Sebrina both got something too. It’s just like Satan to attack the worship leaders)
Anywho… I was such a jerk to people. And I’m still mad at myself for it. They probably are too.
That was Monday…
So… Wednesday showed up and I knew that I was going to have to give the ‘big testimony.’ The one that well… involves death and destruction. (Which is only fun in movies) It was so hard. I kept trying to get out of it, and Lucia was so encouraging. She told me some amazing things that really helped me. She said that God can take those painful memories and hold on to them so I don’t have to, and when He needs me to share it, He can bring it back to my rememberance then take it away again. He’s cool like that.
That was really encouraging to think that I wasn’t going to have to play out the worse night of my life over and over in my head. That God could take those memories away from me.
When I got up on stage, it was really hard for me to start speaking. I was trying to walk around the main reason why I was there. But then I looked out into the crowd at my team. My family. I saw them praying in the Spirit. I saw encouragement. Love. They weren’t listening to me speak to judge me, but to help me get through it. I wouldn’t have made it through that testimony again if they weren’t praying for me. Although I almost lost it at one point, I knew that they would only love me more.
It was hard. It was almost as if I could smell the same smells, I definately saw the same things. I’m glad it’s over.
If you don’t know which testimony I am talking about, go to my ‘About Me’ page and watch the video. I went into details I have never told anyone. I opened up my heart and poured out all the pain, and allowed God to fill up that part with His love.
I found it.
I always hear missionaries say “I’ll never be the same.” I’ve said it myself. But I truly will never be the same. Hopefully, soon, things will get back to normal for me. Normal as in… something. I don’t know what normal is. Regular. Better.
I’m trying to adjust to the new me.
Something else that happened in all of this… I switched love languages. Although I will always love a good well-thought of gift, I think my ‘tied for second’ love language is affirmation.
I have some songs to play, so I’m done for now. The fun stories are to come.