If you look at your life as a giant scheme, a plan for which you don’t have, you’ll start to see the patterns.
In my life, the pattern is obvious, but it always comes disguised at the time I am going through it. One of the things that I have noticed is that whenever things start getting tough, I am quick to stay the same, rather than change and feel discomfort.
Rather than be stretched, I would prefer to just snap back to my comfort zone.
This trip changed that. I had to put myself in a place that would stretch me no matter how hard I tried backing out. I had to jump in feet first and keep swimming.
It was hard to do.
One of the things that really tore me to pieces was living what I had been saying.
A couple of years ago I read in a mission’s book that what the job of a missionary is, is to reveal a God that has been there all along. To show them the beauty of redemption in something that has been right there, all along.
But for some reason, I was unable to find the beauty in myself and the things around me, to see my Creator.
There are some things that many people do not know about me, only because I refuse to share something so close to my heart in fear of being hurt by it at a later time. But it seems like the closer I get to letting out my gifts and callings, the further I push myself away from the situation that most reveals it.
In August of 2007, I went on a beach retreat by myself. I stayed at a campsite and disconnected myself from the outside world. I was praying about what God wanted me to do, because I had become really great at messing up everything. I was sitting next to a blazing fire and one question came to my mind.
“What one thing would you want with you if you were stranded on a desert island?”
We’ve all heard that before, right?
But have you really ever thought about it? What is the ONE thing that you would want to have with you?
I know that I have blogged about this before, but rather than bore you with forcing you to read it, I’ll just cut to the chase.
The one thing that I decided that I wanted to have with me on this deserted island was my praise and worship.
I have known for years that I was created to create music and although I decided to create it in ways that did not glorify God at first, now I do. It seems odd to me that when I share this gift with people they are shocked. I am well aware that I am hilarious. I am amazingly funny. We all know this. But the serious side of me does exist, and it usually only comes out when I am in worship.
I momentarily decided to delete this whole post and start over, but then decided not to.
Because it’s putting a shiny glass window on one of the walls to my heart.
Part of the reason that I don’t share this gift with people is that:
1. They don’t know I can.
2. They can’t see me as anything other than just some strange, funny girl.
3. I’m scared of rejection so I choose to joke rather than be serious.
It’s usually #3.
So what am I so afraid of?
I could go really deep with this and say that it is because I used to use this talent and ability often, but never received acceptance or acknowledgment from the one group of people I truly desired it from, or I could go shallow and say… I’m shy.
But if we’ve met, you know I’m not that shy.
So what does this have to do with beauty?
It has to do with finding the beauty. Wherever you are. If you can’t see it, you have to create it.
While preparing to go on this mission trip I was trying to find some worship songs. I ended up finding a few that I had never played before, and learned them. When I was preparing to worship my first day there, I saw the theme in the songs. I don’t know how I missed it.
But it wasn’t until the last day that it really connected with me.
Laura was sharing something so deep and profound about what she learned about her brother’s passing that it struck me, once again, that I am not in charge. There is no way that we could have possibly planned this trip.
We were all there to add our little bits. We all had something to throw into the ring.
Cindy touched the bus. This may not be very profound to you, but when I saw her reach her hand out there and the bus just grazed by…
Sebrina… I’ve never seen someone grow so much in such a short amount of time – from last year to now.
Laura kept the rough edges smooth, bringing things together from the spiritual realm to the physical – not just words…
Keven – the task is part of the plan, don’t lose sight of why you’re here.
This is what tied it all in for me. From the first day’s devotions until now.
Why Am I Here?
To find the beauty in the madness.
I’ve been looking for it for years now. Reading, traveling, listening… But it wasn’t until this trip that I found it.
It has been on the inside of me this whole time.
The task is part of the plan and the task is why you’re here… don’t lose sight of why you’re here.
Finding beauty in the madness.