Here’s a song to listen to in the background…
Tonight we talked about grace. It may not have been the intent, but we ended up talking about it. I guess I waited too long to actually write about this and forgot what I wanted to say, so here is the short version of it…
We were on the topic of ‘why God allows bad things to happen.’ My response was, in short, that it’s not always that God allows certain things to happen to us, but it’s us that get ourselves into the situations where these things happen. One of the people in the group mentioned a woman’s testimony about things that happened when she was 3 and how she said that she wants Satan to be mad daily that he chose her to pick on. They couldn’t figure out why this woman would be blaming Satan, so my short reply was that I agree with her. I didn’t think that my agreeing would be so controversial, so I went on to explain that I, too, want Satan to pay for everything that he stole from me. Daily. I want to DAILY stomp him in the face and trample him so that he knows exactly who he is messing with. I went on to say that God is a God of mercy, grace, forgiveness and LOVE. It’s not that he allowed this to happen, I’m pretty sure and I can picture it now, that God was furious! However this was allowed to happen, it wasn’t God who allowed it. It was the person who did it to her… They are to blame.
As far as all of the things that were allowed to happen in my life, I was to blame. Luckily, it was only hurting me. (And all of my loved ones that had to watch me hurt myself.) God didn’t allow this to happen so that I could get over it and be an amazing testimony of God’s grace, He would never want me to go through drug addiction and everything else that I put myself through.
On my drive home, I really started thinking about it and I became furious! Literally… I was so mad at what the devil stole from me. My childhood, my teens, etc. But mostly, my purity. I was just getting onto the interstate when I pictured how it went down…
The night I pleaded with God to save me, it was like He was standing at the door, waiting for me to open it for Him. You see, God is a gentleman and would never push Himself on anyone… but this night all it took was a turn of the knob and He threw open the door and stormed in with His charging Angels, ready for a battle.
As I have said before, I knew that there was a battle going on, spiritually, but never really thought of it this way until tonight.
God was always right there, I was aware of that, but it’s not like he was all nonchalant about it. I picture Him standing there being held back from rushing in to save me. His love for me is so great and I know it pained Him to have to watch me go through life hurting. But God is a gentleman… He was waiting for me to open the door. So when I did… He came to my rescue.
So what does Pi have to do with this? Well, if you’re not sure what Pi means, google it. Pi is a HUGE number, but we’re usually only familiar with the first part 3.14 we don’t get in to the rest of it. This is how I view a lot of Christians. On the surface, they know the 3.14 about God, but it is so much deeper than that. Although with science & technology, we have started to see how big Pi really is, we don’t really know the extent of it. Wikipedia says it’s an irrational number, it’s number cannot be expressed exactly…
The ways of God cannot be “expressed exactly,” so to speak.
Someone brought up Isaiah 55:8-9 and I think it fits perfectly.
For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
“ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
We will never comprehend the ways of God, His thoughts, etc… But one thing that I do know, is that God would never want me to suffer to teach me a lesson. He would never want me to hurt so that I can see that He is greater. He loves me. I can’t say why bad things happen to good people. I can’t tell you why your baby has cancer… I can’t tell you why that man did those things to you but I can tell you that God has a plan for your life. A future all mapped out. A lifetime of happiness and greater than that… a hope.
So the song at the top of this post… The lyrics say, “this is what makes my head spin, you’re forever holy. God of all creation, pour Your life into me. This is so overwhelming, you’re forever holy, God of my salvation, clothe me in your glory…”
His love for me is overwhelming. His thoughts about me are higher than I could ever comprehend. Just to think about it… makes my head spin. I’ll never understand why He ever found value in me. I’ll never be able to explain how His grace gave me a new lease on life. All I really know is that He will never leave me… I may mess up. No, I will mess up. I’ll do something stupid and once again, He’ll have to come charging in to rescue me.
As far as everything else… I’m 30 now. Today… I never thought I’d make it this far. I was talking briefly with my mother the other day and our conversation got pretty heavy. She said that she has a life insurance policy for me. Most people have them. But then she told me that it was because she thought she was going to have to bury me. I had gotten so bad that my mother thought she was going to have to bury me… It’s deep. Most people have them to insure their future.
I can only thank God that He rescued me because it’s true… and a mother should never have to think those things. And I’m sorry I ever put her though it, but now I want to live a life that makes that policy one more slap in Satan’s face.
So… here’s to another 30 years of living life.