I can’t believe it. So much has changed. So many things I can’t even bear to write about. I just wanted to come here and say some things. Mostly because I need to get it out and I know nobody reads this blog anymore. So here goes.
I want off. Like… the whole grownup thing. No, seriously. How can this be it? Work and pay bills and work and pay bills… I definitely didn’t live my life right, but now I’m paying for it. Here’s the kicker… it all stopped working out when I stopped tithing. I quit going to church. I stopped playing music. I tried it all on my own and now I’m a little baby all over again. Sucks. However, this time I am doing it all on my own. It’s hard, but at the end of the day I’ve done well. I have a roof over my head, a car to drive to my job and food in my cupboards. I’ve grownuped to the max.
I’v had a lot of life experiences in the past couple years. My dad died. It took a long time for it to really get me, but when it did, I was totally crushed. It wasn’t even the fact that I can’t just call my fodder to talk about nothing, it was that I had to go through it alone. I appreciated the messages on Facebook and the call, but I have never felt so alone in my entire life. People live without parents daily. I’ll live. It has encouraged me to change a lot of my habits. I quit smoking, finally. I started vaping and I haven’t had a cigarette in over 2 years. I hardly even vape anymore. I got down to 0mg of nicotine and it seems pointless. I gave a lot of stuff to my sister, but she keeps smoking cigarettes. Whatever.
That’s another thing. My sister. WTF. I’m pretty much over it, but she crushed me pretty hard. I’ve worked too hard to give up my future for anyone, even her, and for her to put my future in jeopardy, well… that’s just not fair. I gave up too much of my life for her and I’m done. It’s Kelsie time. I’m getting my own life together and those that don’t want to be a part of it can go.
I am done pleasing other people. Ya’ll are on your own. I’m working on getting myself out of debt because I made poor choices when I was younger and because other people took advantage of me.
So… here’s what I really wanted to come here to say. I wrote something when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.
It’s giving up weekends to go visit you, but you’re not allowed visitors.
It’s shame. “You’ll end up just like your sister.”
It’s lonely. “I can’t hang out with you anymore because your sister is in prison.”
Was it something I did? Was I not a good sister? I just wanted to be around you.
Mom hates me because I got in trouble – I just wanted some attention. It’s always about you!
I have to be perfect – if I make a mistake they’ll tell me I’ll end up like you.
I’m not perfect – I’m invisible. HELLO!!! You still have a daughter!!! They don’t even see me. It’s all about you. YOU! YOU!!!
I know, I’ll be just like her, then they’ll see me.
I’m still invisible.
I’ll just leave. They don’t want me here.