I’ve been wanting to write for a long time. I’m in a place right now that I never thought I’d be. It seems like the plan is actually happening, it’s just taking a long time. I’ve been getting out more, alone, but out of the house. I’m not sure when it became so overwhelming just to leave my house. Part of the reason is because I don’t know anyone here besides the few that I work with but after 12.25 hours with them I’m pretty much over them. However, I’ll never meet anyone if I never leave the house.
I’ve been going to church again but haven’t really met a lot of people. I haven’t joined a team because I just finished the classes that you’re supposed to take to help you find your place. I did learn, though, that being out of the church, my mercy has increased, so there’s that. I just need to get on a team but every time I would ask about it they would ask if I have taken the classes because, you know, you have to know your spiritual gift to stack chairs. I don’t even know where I want to volunteer. I signed up to go to the office and do some stuff, but I started a new medication that made me unable to function. It took a couple weeks to get past the dizzy spells.
While I was initially writing this, I was on a plane to Des Moines trying to stay awake. I was on nights, trying to switch to days but my body wasn’t having it so I woke up at 0136 instead of 0400. I was a sleepy girl.
I’ve been listening to Within the Trenches podcasts and they’re talking about taking hard calls and processing them. Some days I wonder if I’ll make it in this profession. You take and take and build up a pile of horrors, but then what? It’s part of the job, but it’s hard. But then you get the good calls, the successful calls and it makes it worth it. I tried talking to someone about it, but I don’t want to sugar coat it or cause them trauma but it feels better to get it out to a human. Mali doesn’t know what I’m talking about.
Here’s a success story: One of my cardiac arrest calls was a success. They made it.
I received an award, along with many of my partners in Orange County and a CPR save pin. This is what makes it worth it. Not only knowing that they lived, but acknowledging it. There were so many recipients at this ceremony andI was so proud of each of them. Especially seeing the same ones go multiple times. So often, as a telecommunicator, we never find out the outcome. We don’t know if they made it or not. This event was really encouraging, not only to me, but the whole team. Sharing successes builds up a team.
So I was on vacation in Iowa. I went to my niece’s wedding, which was great and a high school graduation of a cousin’s son. Both of those made me feel really old. It was a reminder that I’ve wasted a lot of time. I’m not sure if I regret it because it has made me who I am.
So… that’s what has been up.