February 17, 2019.
I keep writing blog posts. I keep deleting them. I store them up thinking that one day I’ll grow enough bravery to actually post it.
Things are strange these days. So many things have changed; I’m practically living a whole new life. It feels more like a double life, though. I just want to be myself, but I don’t think I’m allowed to change. People wouldn’t know what to do with themselves if I weren’t the same.
It’s heartbreaking.
I’ve been struggling lately with a lot of things. Small things, but multiple things. I’ve moved out of the danger house and live in an apartment that gave me troubles since before I even moved in. It seems like something new every week. I finally have my work orders completed from move in from 4 months ago. They’re “between management” or something and use that as an excuse. So I sat down with upper management and worked it out.
I broke my leg during my move out so that made moving quite the challenge. I was on day 2 of moving out of the danger house by myself and I fell. I laid there for a many minutes wondering if I would die then I got up and finished loading the truck. On a broken leg. Then when I got to Raleigh I had one person helping me move in. But we did it. The next day I went to training at work. On a broken leg. The day after that I went to the doctor and he said… It’s broken.
It’s feeling better now, but it is still cracked. I have to go back in a few months to see if it is still cracked and if so… surgery. Pass. Hard pass on that one.
Speaking of surgery, though, I need another one on my left hand. The trigger finger situation is getting pretty persistent and painful. I keep putting it off because of how horrible the last one was. Not only painful but it’s hard to do everything one handed. I’m thankful for the couple of people that helped me out, but after the experience before that one I learned that I can’t even trust hired help.
I’m looking for a new job.
I’m looking for a new city.
I don’t know… Things are very opposite of how I thought they would be by this point in my life. I’m surrounded by thousands of people but I’ve never felt so alone. I’m tired of being the one that reaches out to everyone. It’s exhausting. When people tell me they haven’t seen me or heard from me in a long time I reply; “You don’t call, you don’t write…” They think I’m joking. I tell them I’m terrible at keeping in touch. The truth is, I’m not. It’s hard to not call someone or text them. It’s also hard to feel like you’re constantly someone’s project just because you reached out to them. Sometimes a ‘hello’ just means hello.
I’ll probably delete this post… I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
December 21, 2019
Wow. Things have changed.
I live in Iowa again.
I work somewhere else now and I can’t believe how different it is from the last agency. Even the 1st one. It seems to be a pretty good fit so far.
I keep writing things but then I get really sarcastic and a little mean then feel bad so I delete it.
And now it’s May 1, 2020. Because The only thing consistent is my inconsistencies. I just came to visit and saw this sitting here so I thought… Why not. Let’s post it. So here you go.
Kelsie J. 