When you feel like all is lost…


I should be leaving for work right now.  I can’t stop crying.  I don’t want to adult today.  I don’t want to adult tomorrow and the next day isn’t looking so great either.

I woke up early after staying up late and my uncle Dale passed away.  No, we weren’t close.  There are too many honesties involved in the why nots.  So now there is only my aunt Ruby left in the McDonald generation.  It’s crushing me.

If you didn’t already know, I’ve never been close to anyone in my family.  Unless you count writing letters while they’re in prison.  That was the closest I ever got.  That’s not how it always was.  We used to visit, hug and miss one another.  Honestly, it’s my fault and it’s not my fault.  All I know is I could have done better.

I remember, after my grampa Dean died I would go visit uncle Dale and it would destroy me.  I was so close to my grampa Dean.  When my parents got divorced, we lived with my grandparents and he was incredible.  So gentle and encouraging.  He was patient and let me speak.  We would go for ice cream after dance class and I would say silly things like… This is your place grampa? (We were are McDonald’s)  He would laugh and I miss that so much.  Going to visit uncle Dale, I would hear that laugh and they looked so much alike… I couldn’t go anymore.

I’m horrible at keeping in touch with people.

Then they’re gone and it’s too late.

 

 

Pull up a chair, let’s have a chat


These past few years have been very strange.  Not strange like aliens or any other weird nonsense, but different.  Did you ever think I’d be where I am doing what I’m doing?  It’s almost like a ROFL moment.

Here are the words I am trying to say: I want to play music again.
Here is why I am not: Left hand… it still hurts.  Thanks doc for cutting it open to fix it, but… it’s not fixed.  Mostly it’s because of discouragement.  Just because you don’t like my style of music, don’t say I suck.

I’m #1 in the Raleigh/Durham/Greensboro area and #18 in the state of North Carolina.  I don’t suck.

I have been thinking of recording again.  I have a lot of songs that I’ve only recorded with my voice recorder app on my phone.  It probably won’t happen, but it would be nice to record them before I forget.  I’ve gone so far as to download the software on my new computer, got the microphone out (thanks, Sebrina) and pulled out my books.  The only problem is that I lack motivation.  However, moving back up to spot #1 has been an encouragement.

I think I’ll do it.

Whether anyone ever listens or not.

It’s like a part of me is missing.  I went from performing 4-6 times per week to nothing at all… it’s like we broke up.

So… encourage me.  Go have a listen.  Download some songs.  You never know, I might be someone some day. (lol)

 

 

On a scale of 1 to even…


I can’t.

This one is going to hurt.  So let’s just get started.  I’m going to ramble just a bit because most people that this applies to won’t actually read past the first clip in the link.  They just comment about what is in the first paragraph then go on living their lives.  This post is for them.  It’s for those that refuse to go deeper.  The ones that can’t see past themselves to see those their actions and words are effecting.

Now, don’t get me wrong, this is written in love.  I’m not trying to bash anyone or to intentionally hurt someone’s feelings, there have been enough hurts going around that we don’t need to open up any more wounds.  I just have some things I need to say about some life situations.

I like organization and lists, so let’s begin:

  1.  I was 14-15 years old and I was out in the front yard picking up sticks before mowing the yard.  I saw my father drive by.  He waved.  I waved.  I finished mowing the law waiting for him to drive back by, maybe stop and say hi.  I thought for sure I had missed him.  I sat on the front porch – on the cold concrete.  It started getting dark so I went inside.
  2. I don’t know how old I was, maybe 10 or so.  I was at a family reunion at a lake.  I remember taking one of the raft boat things out on the lake and paddling over to my cousins who were having a blast.  I didn’t fit in so I went back to shore and sat at a picnic table.  I sat there until bed time.  The next day I sat in a lawn chair and watched everyone play and talk.  I think this is around the time I fully realized that my family didn’t really want me around.

It was difficult.  I already felt like I didn’t know them any more.  We were all so close when I was younger but when my parents got divorced when I was 5 they slowly disappeared from my life.  I missed them.  I’m sad that I don’t have a relationship with them now.  They all seem so close to one another.  Many times they’ve said “I wish you lived closer.” I remind them that I moved closer.  Twice.

Here’s the thing… I always desired a relationship with my family, but, here’s the kicker, I pushed away the only family that has actually been there for me.  The ones that came to the many many softball games, the dance recitals, band concerts and every other life event that occurred.  They never made me feel like a burden.  I knew I was a pain to deal with, but they stuck it out.  They still stick it out.  They’re the ones that ask how I’m doing. Come see me when I’m in town. Celebrate my success.

So now I am 35 years old.  30 years have passed and so so many hurts.  I just can’t do it anymore.  So here’s the deal.  If you want to be in my life, be in my life.  If you don’t, don’t.  It’s simple.

I tell you all of that to tell you this.  In all of those years, my mother did what was best for me.  Not what was convenient, not what was easy.  She made hard decisions.  She worked hard and sacrificed herself to give me an awesome childhood.  I thought it was boring and never got to do anything, but looking back I was also a selfish jerk, so…  I went to camps, I had a season swimming pass, I had sleepovers, parties, we rented VHS tapes and had popcorn for dinner.  She worked 2 jobs at most times and went to night school.  She dealt with my delinquent sister and me, trying to outperform my delinquent sister.  She never gave up.  I remember my mother working into the night as a mail carrier.  She was late getting home.  Turns out she was viciously attacked by an ice covered tree branch and had to get stitches under her eye.  She also had to finish her route because people need those Macy’s catalogs on time.  She worked so hard and still does.  She is the reason I don’t call out of work, well, unless I’m in the hospital, I was way too high on Fentanyl to be dealing with that nonsense.

My step-father was the same.  I was so mean to him.  I took out my frustrations with my own father on him.  I wanted my own father to come to the games and recitals, turns out he did.  It’s really unfortunate that I spent so long trying to push so many people away just to make room for people that didn’t really want to be there.

It pains me to say it, but it’s true.  I was a child, how was I supposed to arrange visitations?  That’s what the grownups were for.  Why was I the one that had to call every time?  It’s too much of a burden for a child to bear.  Even as an adult it gets tiring.

If you chose to not be a part of my life, you missed a lot of really great things and I’m done feeling bad about it.  I know things get busy, I totally get that, but it’s time we all put on our big girl panties and admit we were all at fault.

To those that stuck it out.  Thank you.  A lot of really great, huge, life changing things have happened recently and I’m glad I get to share it with you.  Stick around, it only gets better from here.

P.S.  Look for the big picture, the things you can’t see just yet.  See things from others’ perspective.  Give them a voice.  You just may learn a little bit.

(Faith perceives as real fact, those things that have not yet been revealed to the senses.)

I’ve said this before…


I feel like I don’t have anything to talk about.  Maybe I have too much and can’t figure out how to put it in to words.

TMI ahead!  

I’ve been doing well.  I’ve been not well.  It goes both ways.  March is Endometriosis Awareness Month, it doesn’t make my Endometriosis better.  It makes me feel worse.  I’ve changed my eating habits for a few months now and it has helped immensely, but I still have days I can barely breath from the pain.  This new Doctor wants to start at the beginning just like the rest of them.  I don’t like spending my entire appointment tell the professional about my condition.  That’s why I am there, to fix it, not tell you what needs to be done.  So I’ve started different hormones that I’ve tried in the past.  Maybe it will work this time.  I’d really like to get off everything again, but I don’t think I could handle having regular periods again.  That was brutal.  However, the first few months were fine.  If it could just stay like that, it would be fine.

Anywho… TMI over.

I’ve been working on some things, finishing nothing, so I don’t really have a whole lot to talk about.  I’m going to a group ‘situation’ at church and we are making vision boards.  I’m pretty excited about that.

Habakkuk 2:2 – Write down the vision; write it clearly on clay tablets so whoever reads it can run to tell others.

So that’s what I am doing.  I need accountability, because where I am weak is where you come in.  I  have been missing being a part of the body.  I feel like an arm just laying on the floor.  I’ve been trying to take classes at my new church so that I can join a team, apparently, this is a prerequisite?  However, I work every other weekend and have finally completed the 2nd of 4.  The first 3 are classes, the 4th is a sit down with a pastor.  I’ve already asked to join a team, but with my schedule and just switching back to night shift, it has been hard to go in and volunteer in the office.  They use FellowshipOne, so I am mostly familiar with how much I hate it.  I can’t wait.

I have also been trying to get my private life right.  Maybe if I tell you where I am struggling you’ll call me out on it.  I used to have a friend that would do this for me, but we’re not friends anymore.  I should tag them.  Not that I’m bitter about getting left behind, but I am.  Just being honest.

I am a part of a book study on Facebook that I have also been neglecting.  I got behind and kind of stopped.  So that is my plan for tonight after I finish this, to catch up, watch the videos, etc.

I took another Spiritual Gift test, here are the results:

Pastor/Administrative: 20
Teaching/Exhortation/Serving: 18
Evangelism/Mercy: 17
Giving:16
Prophecy: 13

Yeah, the mercy really shocked me, too.  I guess in my old age I’ve started caring about others legit.

I guess I’ll end this for now.  Look at all the words I wrote when I had nothing to say!

bye.

One Day at a Time,Sweet Jesus


We’re studying the book of Mark and also James. They keep running together. Mark is one of my favorites because it’s a break down of the New Testament. James has my heart because it reminds me of God’s promises to us.

I’ve had a lot going on.  Not so much like ‘many things,’ but a couple big things.  Work things, life things…  and I have to say, it’s been okay.

I start training to be a trainer at work on Monday.  I’m not sure how this happened, but I guess they think I will do well at this.  I’m a teacher by nature, mostly because I’m bossy, so I think it will be a good fit.
I turned down a possible position with the Polk County Sheriff’s Office in Iowa.  They wanted me to come take a test, but the timing just didn’t feel right.  I rolled around about it.  I looked at plane tickets, all of that, but in the end I decided that I would rather stay with my current agency and learn more rather than start over in another agency.  As much as I want to be closer to my family, the past has proven that I still don’t make time for them.  Maybe I’m stuck in my solitary ways…

I’m trying really hard to say the right things in a certain situation.  Someone in my life prefers being mean to me instead of saying nothing so I’ve come up with a plan…

Pray for them.  Daily.

It seems to be working.  Also, I went to management.  That went okay.

I also started praying the Prayer of Protection over my life.  I felt bad for a second, but, hey, if you want to come against me…

So basically, I don’t have much to say.

kbye

 

This is a work in progress


So… it’s been a minute.  I’ve been far too grumpy to post anything.  I’m all… I don’t know… tired.  My guts hurt and I’m just tired of people being jerks.  Yeah, I get it, you’re mean, you have to be mean or you’ll die, but please don’t be mean to me because then I will feel obligated to be mean back to you and my mean is way meaner.

It’s like middle school.

Some days are better than others.  I guess that since I’ve been in pain for so many consecutive days, I’ve been grumpier than usual.  I mostly just want to hang out with my heat pad in bed and not be judged.  Maybe go to the doctor. Probably not.  The last doctor told me I was ‘beyond his scope of practice.’

Anywho… I’ve started a new Facebook Bible Study.  I thought it would be neat.  I’m always on Facebook so why not do something productive while I’m already there.  We’re reading The Gospel of Mark-The Jesus We’re Aching For by Lisa Harper.  We just started but it’s already smashing me directly in the face.  Like… come on… we just started, baby steps.  I like it.  It’s making me actually read the Word and whatnot.  We’re all taking turns with a couple pages to break down the giant chapters.  I just picked 2 pages randomly… what a mistake.  I should have read it first.  So now I have to, right off the bat, vomick my entire life. However, I do get to talk about my Mali and I heart her immensely.

I don’t really have a lot to talk about, even though I’ve typed all of these words.  So I’ll wrap it up with this song.

One Sweet Moment…


On losing…

It’s inevitable.  People come, people go.  Some stay longer than you’d like, some are gone way too soon.

One minute… I was changing the starter in my truck.  I called my dad to tell him all about it.  I left a message.  Later that night I got the call that he was on life support.  I flew out to Salt Lake City the next morning, I said good-bye and then he was gone.

We used to talk on the phone for a long time, usually until my battery died.  We would talk about nothing.  I just wanted to hear his voice.  As time went on, though, the conversations got shorter, I could tell he was having trouble breathing.  We would chat online.  It’s not the same, but at least I could talk to him whenever I wanted to.

I don’t have much to remember him by, just some trinkets I’ve collected over the years and a bit of his ashes.  I kept them in the box for a long time.  Seeing them reminded me that I wasn’t a very good daughter.  I should have called more, visited more, been more.  It’s too late for all of that.  I had a part of his ashes turned in to a glass orb for myself and a glass heart for my sister.

I miss his laugh, his voice…  it seems like forever, feels like a minute.  It doesn’t hurt less, just less often.  It’s not that I don’t think about him, I do, it’s that I remember ridiculous things.  The good parts.  Today I am grateful for technology, it lets me hear his voice one last time.  For one sweet moment.

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