We were born for battle, without vision, we will die.


One of my favorite songs.  Here, have a listen:

Folks, we have a new President.  I woke up and watched the inauguration today, which I haven’t seen one since High School, so it was neat.  There was a lot of praying, some speeches, and some riots.  It was great.  So I went back to bed and took a little nap before work and that’s what I’m doing right now.  Working.

This election, guys, I can’t.  On a scale of one to even, I. Just. Can. Not.  Where are the grown ups?  Why do I feel like I am one of the few with common sense?  Please, tell me, what is smashing the store windows of stores WHO SUPPORTED YOUR CAMPAIGN going to do for you?  Seriously.  I have a co-worker that gets on to me because I voted for Trump.  Not one time has she ever asked me who I voted for, she just assumed that I did, and I did.  She wants to bring up stuff about things Trump said many years ago.  Yeah, I get it, he was being a vulgar man. I’m not going to disagree.  However, he won.  This is now our life.  Get on board.

I don’t know if you were around when Obama was elected, I posted how I felt about it.  This is what I assume most people who did not want President Obama to be elected did.  We prayed for him.  He was the captain of our ship for EIGHT years.  Guys, we can’t get separated on this.  No matter who you voted for, we have a new President.  We have to continually pray for him, for his family, for the entire government.  Because, like it or not, we’re all in this ship together and if we’re going to be stuck in this boat, we may as well row in the same direction.

I could go on and on, but I am going to leave it at this.  If you’re wondering what to pray, go here.

nobody calls when they’re having a good day


In my short time as a telecommunicator, I have had a couple calls that come to mind for when someone asks me what the worst call I’ve taken is, I can’t tell them.  People think it’s neat or whatever, but they don’t realize that by listening to someone screaming in horror is like being there.  You’re physically there as they describe their worst day ever and I don’t want to share that burden with you.

Here is one of them:

He had just cut his sister from the noose and I was not getting help there fast enough.  She was gone before the call was ever made, but listening to him and his other sister do CPR was rough.  I think the hardest calls to take are the ones with a distraught family member.  You want to console them, but you also want to stay out of it, just do your job and get off the phone.  You can’t say it will be alright because, honestly, it probably won’t.

Here’s a test for you; sit there quietly for 4 minutes.  Don’t do anything, just sit there.  I’ll wait… It’s a long time, right?  Now, sit for 4 minutes listening to a brother trying to revive his baby sister.  He had set the phone down to do compressions so all I could do was listen and hope units got there.  4 minutes is forever.

If you really want me to be honest about it, yeah, I’m crushed.  I’m absolutely crushed.

After doing this job, you start to develop a callous when you’re taking a call.  You answer the phone, not knowing what is on the other line, and you go through the script.  You ask the questions and you relay the answers, you hang up and move on to the next call.  Here’s an example: I play guitar.  I’ve played guitar for many years.  Once upon a time, I had these amazing, deep callouses from playing so much.  I could play for hours and my fingers wouldn’t hurt.  (The carpal tunnel did, though.)  We hear some messed up stuff in some calls, but we can’t let it get to us.  Nobody calls because they need you to cry with them about some tragic event.  They call you because they need help.  That’s it.  Nothing more.  If you want to cry about it, cry about it at home. Yes, we are still human beings with emotions and feelings, but we have a job to do. We can’t get caught up in your baby mama drama, we can’t turn in to mush when you find your husband of 45 years unresponsive in his recliner.  That won’t help anyone.  What will help is if I can tell you how to do CPR on him until help arrives.  This is why we do it.  So that maybe, one day, your call goes well, that you get your good day.  This is the callous.  It is necessary to succeed in this field.

Nobody calls when they’re having a good day.

So, if we’re being honest, I haven’t had my worst call ever.  Every call, on some level, is a worst call.  Maybe not for me, but it is for you and I can’t take that personally.  I can’t carry it around.  Do I have bad moments?  Yes.  I absolutely do.  Have I ever had to text my mom-e and tell her all about it?  Yep.  I’ll probably do it again.

But then I’m going to put my uniform on, come to work and strap in at my console because I am 911.  I am the voice on the other end of the line.  I was created for this and I can’t wait to see what’s next.

What else?


So… things are mostly OK.  I grownup to the max and live my life.  I don’t get in trouble and I pay my bills.  I like it when the heat is working and the water pump hasn’t frozen during a winter storm, but those things happen.  I am blessed beyond all measure.  I have more than I need.

Supernatural abundance.

So what can I really be complaining about?

I guess I’m bored?  I don’t really have any friends here.  I have co-workers that I spend 13 hours a day with, but that’s pretty much it.  I mostly feel like I am only in North Carolina for my job.  The reasons I wanted to come back again quickly dissipated after returning.  I have gained more job experience and life experience than I could have ever imagined for myself.

Seriously, a little small town Iowa girl traveling the world, I planned loads for aircraft knowing that each day hundreds of lives were affected.  I didn’t take this lightly.  Now, I help save lives.  Literally.  People call 911 for some pretty crazy things, but then you get the call of a baby choking.  Shout at me all you want, but is the baby breathing?  She is?  Then keep on yelling at me.  Call me whatever names you want to … because your baby is breathing now thanks to the instructions I gave you.

So why do I feel like there is so much more that I am missing out on?  Have I become complacent?  Complacency is where hope goes to die.  I just made that up.  I think.

On a scale of 1 to even, I probably can.

I can’t wait until years pass and I look back at this moment… hopefully I’ll be blindsided by incredible.  Change is coming.  You know when change is coming because things get uncomfortable.  Breakthrough style change.  I can’t wait.

So for now, I’ll just keep on.  Press through the uuugggg and get to the aaaaahhhhhh!

I hope you’re still around for it.

Trackback


Here it is, another post.  I have been reading over my blog, I used to be pretty in to this whole”write words”thing.  Here are a few of the highlights from the past TEN years.

Without ever being broken, there would be no need to be made whole again.  Who I was shouldn’t define who I am or who I am becoming.  They are all different people.  Like the woman who poured her sins out on to Jesus’ feet.  She didn’t even know that her sins would be forgiven, but she still gave them all to her Savior.  Which leads me to the next one…

Vale La Pena – It’s Worth The Pain.”I don’t need to be reminded of every experience that shaped me or all the valleys and the mountain tops along the way.  He knew how I would fall, and, yet, He was waiting on the other side of my failure and my shattered dreams with some dreams of His own.  He never let me out of His sight.”
Over and over again I would tell you, it is worth the wait.  Giving your heart to the wrong man will crush you… but I still miss the company.

A transparent cage is still a cage. “My words of advice would have to be that you cannot microwave an authentic relationship, they take time and any romantic relationship that you attempt to pursue takes Jesus.” Usually, we want to tell our past self things that our future self learned to save heartache and troubles.  I wish my past self could have slapped my future self and told me to get my life right.

And the violent take it by force. This…  This one gets me.  I remember this all the time, the bus experience, and it crushes me.  Life is hard, man.  Things go wrong, I’m a human and I make a lot of bad decisions.  Madonna was right: We are living in a material world and I am a material girl. However, this world is not my destiny.

Wake Up, O, Sleeper!  “I am getting closer. Some days are harder than others. Some weeks…But I have a promise.I won’t be distracted. Not now. I’ve come too far.”

That’s plenty.

 

Putting my business in the street


I don’t know if I really want to start blogging again, but I can say that I miss who I was when I did blog regularly.  For about a year after I stopped posting public posts, I kept a journal.  It was raw, but I still found that I was holding back.  There is something about telling all of your secrets to the whole world that helps you live your life right.

Let’s just get real for a minute.

If you read my previous post you’ll know that a lot of things have changed.  I didn’t go in to a lot of detail about things, because it doesn’t matter.  What matters is that I am actively working on getting my life right.  I’m way too incredible to be putting myself in circumstances where my incredible-ness is not acknowledged.  I tried doing things my way and it didn’t work.  So now I’m done.  If you’ve ever broken a bone and had a cast on, that’s a lot what life was like.  I could still move my arm, but not being able to bend my elbow made it hard to do stuff.  And now that the cast has been removed, the muscle memory is still there, but I have to retrain my whole entire arm.  And it stunk.

So here we go.  I’ve joined a new church, but was only able to go 1x in December.  I had to work one week, was in Iowa the next and the other 2 were cancelled because of Christmas and New Years.  I’ve started tithing again and let me tell you how much of a relief it is!  God loves a cheerful giver, and being forced to tithe makes you not want to do it at all.  It felt like I had to pay this bill every paycheck and I didn’t want to pay it, but I had to pay it.  Not now!  I know that if you’re faithful with little you’ll be given much.  That’s obvious when you look at my life.  Things stop flowing when you stop tithing.  The window that had blessing flowing out gets closed.  It sucks.  Things are going smoothly now.  There is money left at the end of the month.  I’m paying bills and still have money for things like food… seriously.  It’s great.  I really want to join a team just so I can meet some people.  I was going to another church for a few months and I literally met 2 people.  And by met, I mean they introduced themselves to me and that’s it.  I tried joining a team, but it took 6 weeks for someone to reply back and by then I was going to the church I am currently going to.  I don’t really want to get too involved, but I know it will help me get my life right.

Here is what I need from you.

Hold me accountable.  I’m going to hate it, but I need you.  Hold my hand and make me feel better.  I am incredibly blessed by those who are in my life and have stuck around.  It’s shocking when you think someone will be there for you forever, you know, because they said they would be, then they disappear.  I went searching for a friend on Facebook because I hadn’t seen them post anything in a long time.  They unfriended me.  It’s like a bunch of my very closest friends got together and decided they would all unfriend me.  I know, it’s just Facebook, but there were so many.  I almost want to put a list of their names.  Ya’all said you’d be there for me, but you left me and it hurts.  What’s more, is seeing them in person.  Oh, hey, remember when you unfriended me?  No, I don’t want a hug.

Hey, how have you been?  I haven’t heard much from you since you unfriended me on Facebook.  I hope you’re doing well.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!  2 Corinthians 5:17

Over and over and over…  There isn’t a limit.

So basically, I’m starting over.  Not only because it’s a new year, but because I’m done.  We were not created to do life alone.  All of the years I spent out in the wilderness taught me a lot, but mostly, that it’s hard to live when your arm has been cut off.  I don’t want to do it again.  It sucked.  So here’s the ending to my 2017 blog post number 2… I love you.  Thank you for sticking it out with me.  You’re great.

XOXO

2017 is in a few days


I can’t believe it.  So much has changed.  So many things I can’t even bear to write about.  I just wanted to come here and say some things.  Mostly because I need to get it out and I know nobody reads this blog anymore.  So here goes.

I want off.  Like… the whole grownup thing.  No, seriously.  How can this be it? Work and pay bills and work and pay bills…  I definitely didn’t live my life right, but now I’m paying for it.  Here’s the kicker…  it all stopped working out when I stopped tithing.  I quit going to church.  I stopped playing music.  I tried it all on my own and now I’m a little baby all over again.  Sucks.  However, this time I am doing it all on my own.  It’s hard, but at the end of the day I’ve done well.  I have a roof over my head, a car to drive to my job and food in my cupboards.  I’ve grownuped to the max.

I’v had a lot of life experiences in the past couple years.  My dad died.  It took a long time for it to really get me, but when it did, I was totally crushed.  It wasn’t even the fact that I can’t just call my fodder to talk about nothing, it was that I had to go through it alone.  I appreciated the messages on Facebook and the call, but I have never felt so alone in my entire life.  People live without parents daily.  I’ll live.  It has encouraged me to change a lot of my habits.  I quit smoking, finally.  I started vaping and I haven’t had a cigarette in over 2 years.  I hardly even vape anymore.  I got down to 0mg of nicotine and it seems pointless.  I gave a lot of stuff to my sister, but she keeps smoking cigarettes.  Whatever.

That’s another thing.  My sister.  WTF.  I’m pretty much over it, but she crushed me pretty hard.  I’ve worked too hard to give up my future for anyone, even her, and for her to put my future in jeopardy, well… that’s just not fair.  I gave up too much of my life for her and I’m done.  It’s Kelsie time.  I’m getting my own life together and those that don’t want to be a part of it can go.

I am done pleasing other people.  Ya’ll are on your own.  I’m working on getting myself out of debt because I made poor choices when I was younger and because other people took advantage of me.

So… here’s what I really wanted to come here to say.  I wrote something when I got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.

It’s giving up weekends to go visit you, but you’re not allowed visitors.
It’s shame. “You’ll end up just like your sister.”
It’s lonely. “I can’t hang out with you anymore because your sister is in prison.”

Was it something I did? Was I not a good sister? I just wanted to be around you.
Mom hates me because I got in trouble – I just wanted some attention.  It’s always about you!
I have to be perfect – if I make a mistake they’ll tell me I’ll end up like you.

I’m not perfect – I’m invisible.  HELLO!!! You still have a daughter!!! They don’t even see me.  It’s all about you. YOU! YOU!!!

I know, I’ll be just like her, then they’ll see me.

No.

I’m still invisible.

I’ll just leave. They don’t want me here.

A Title


I’ve been to this place before;
At the entrance of the gate.
I could walk right in and take my place,
But I don’t want to fake it – anymore.

I feel like a prisoner,
You say that I’m the prodigal.
I could walk right in and take my place,
But I don’t want to fake it.

I refuse to have a rock take my place.
I refuse to have the trees dance alone.

If my praises were lifted here,
I fear that You’d refuse them.
If my sins were poured out, brought to face.
It’d be more than I could bare.

I refuse to have a rock take my place.
I refuse to have the trees dance alone.