2012

I feel like I should be writing this with my brain instead of a keyboard.  Shouldn’t we be in flying cars by now?

There is so much that I could say right now about 2011.  I have mixed emotions about the year as a whole, but in the most part, it was incredible.
I knew that big things were going to happen in 2011 to prepare me for the biggest change in 2012, but I wasn’t expecting to be so incredibly blessed.

I know I didn’t post very much in 2011, but it was mostly because I enjoy being secretive.  Or maybe I just didn’t want anyone to know what I was struggling with.  There were times when I truly felt like nobody would understand.  More so than anyone else could ever think.

Let’s review…

I started having a lot of pain in my hands when playing guitar.  It made me mad.  I hated playing, but wanted to play.
Turns out, playing so much had given me Carpal/Cubital Tunnel in both arms.  In June I had a carpal release on my left hand.  I haven’t played much since then.
I hate it.
I am seeing a new Dr. here in Iowa about it.

…

I moved to Iowa.
The reasoning…  I only had 1 friend in North Carolina.  I miss her, but I miss watching my baby nieces grow up more.
Don’t be offended that I don’t consider you a friend.  We grew apart.  It happens.

…

I clearly, left my awesome job at Living Word.  I moved with a promise of a job – options even.  But upon arrival, had nothing.  My father graciously let me live with him until I got a job.
I finally was hired at Starbucks & Lane Bryant in the same day.  It took a couple of months of interviewing for lame jobs before I chose two.

Here’s a good story…
My sister told me that Lane Bryant was hiring because one of her friends from school, Meri, also worked there.
I went to my nearest LB and got hired there.  Like – interviewed, started the same day.  Turns out, Meri worked at that same store!  (Side note:  she’s awesome.)
So I worked 60+ hrs/week between the two jobs and pretty much hated working in retail more than flat tires.  (That’s the first thing that came to mind.)
So I started looking on craigslist (shady, I know) for a new job.
I found a few, most ended up being fake jobs, but one looked too good to be true.
It was working for a local ministry that sent missionaries to South Africa.  I stalked their website, sent my resume, stalked their website more & got called for an interview.
The interview was a blast.  I hit it off instantly with the two ladies that I would be working with.
Shortly after getting to work at Lane Bryant, I got a text from Meri that said that I had just interviewed with her sister.
!!!
So I got a 2nd interview and met with Dr. Blessman and found out that his daughter, Kelsey, went to the same church as I do.  (There are maybe 5 Kelsey(ie)(y)s there so I hadn’t met her yet.)
(Another side note:  She also has an anchor tattoo.)
Long story short…  I got the job.  I quit working at Lane Bryant and still work part-time at Starbucks.

So far, it has been awesome.  Quite different than working with LWFC, but I still do a lot of the same stuff.

I plan on going to South Africa soon with one of the teams, just not sure since my hands wouldn’t help doing the work.

…

I got a new truck, which I’ve already posted about.  I haven’t come up with a name yet, my sister suggested Evelyn, but it’s just not ‘fitting’ for a giant stealth black truck.

…

Mali is still a cat.  She has only had a couple spots of ringworm reappear since we moved here.  She likes her new apartment because she can watch people out of the giant windows with giant ledges.  She also got some really great Christmas presents from her Pappy and Gramama that she annoys the crap out of me with.
She likes to dip her fuzzy ball in her water then bring it to me to show me how wet it is.  Usually she drops it on my bed and meows like she’s injured.  All. Night. Long.
I may have to reinstate the closed bedroom door policy, but hate the sound of her nails on the door.

…

I pretty much work all of the time now.  Which is helping me get out of debt, but I don’t really have a social life.  I haven’t made any new friends and since I’ve been working most every Wednesday night haven’t made it to the connect group I was going to.
Although I really enjoy the church I am going to, when I can actually make it to service, I think it is more aesthetically appealing to me.  I like the people – they seem genuinely kind.  The messages are really good.  But I can’t say that I’m growing by being there.  Maybe I just haven’t been there long enough.  But I’d rather be in a church that punches me in the face with the Word when I screw up than one that I’m just another face.
I haven’t really been there long enough to make friends, or maybe it’s because I haven’t found the single 30yo group.
I’ve been invited to a different church a couple times by random/unrelated people.  So I think I might try that one if I can manage to have the morning off and be in town.
Either way – I need friends.

…

I got a new ukulele, which you already knew about, but I sure wish I could play it.  I hate being gimpy and I’m pretty sure that working at Starbucks, slinging milk isn’t helping.  Either is being at a computer all day.
But I like paying bills.

…

I have never really had a New Year’s resolution that I actually wanted to keep, but this year I am going to give it a go.
“To be genuine with everyone.  To say ‘I Love You’ instead of not.  To take chances and risk heart ache.  To be brave and walk in victory.”

Please hold me accountable.

…

I’m sure there are other remarkable things that I am forgetting, but I started this post 3 hours ago and have forgotten where I was going with it.

Happy New Year.

Define: Is

I was just listening to a song by Sleeping Giant called Enthroned.  I’ve heard it a lot, but one of the lines really jumped out at me this time.   (You should buy their albums.)

“…Seated on our praises, exalted in the sound of our hearts lifted…”

Psalm 22:3 (MSG) says that God is “leaning back on the cushions of Israel’s praise.”
(NCV) says “the praises of Israel are your throne.”

It blows my mind.  I envision someone crowd surfing at some raging concert, being passed over the crowd by the hands of the people.  Then I see how God is reclined on our praises.  It must be softer than any cushion or even a cloud.

===

So, back here on earth, I have severely missed playing the guitar.  I saw a new Dr. last week who gave me another cortisone shot in my right wrist.  It didn’t hurt as bad as the last time, getting them in both, but was still uncomfortable.  I haven’t noticed any change/improvement since the shot, which is a little …  it sucks.
I’m not doing well not being able to play.  Honestly.  Not being able to pick up my guitar and play a few songs whenever has been messing with me.
If you go read this, you’ll understand.

I have so much to say, but I know I’ll forget something incredible.

In the midst of my pitty party, God has continued to be faithful.
I asked my mom Thanksgiving weekend if my step-dad would ever want to sell me his truck.  I was looking in to getting something different since I had been good to Gertrude and am getting financially stable.  (Thanks to FPU.)
I made up a list of the things I wanted and had even picked out a couple of local vehicles.  A 2002 Ford F-150 and a 2008 Saturn Vue.
I was heading out the door at work, on my way to go check out these sweet rides when I got a text from my mom that said, “sell your car, Andy’s giving you his truck.”

After picking up my jaw, I called my mom who said that she told Andy that I wanted to buy his truck so he went out and bought a new one and wanted to give me his… get this… 2002 Ford F-150.  The only payment was whatever I made selling my car.

So off I went to sell my car.  I had a couple people interested, but nothing solid.  So I lowered the price and re-posted it and finally got a bite who said, after seeing my Gertty, he said that he would have paid MORE!  But taking into consideration that she would need new winter tires and basic “stuff,” didn’t raise the price to suit his request.

But wait!  There’s more!

I got a new ukulele.  It’s electric. I haven’t gotten to play it much, but it sounds amazing.

The title, Define:  is
If you type that in to chrome, it gives you the definition of the word, is.
It really has nothing to do with this post, but if you like, you can come up with some sort of super duper link!

I’m sure there are more things to say, but I don’t want to overwhelm you with greatness.  ;)

Random Thoughts with St. Kelsie J

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my name.  It’s Kelsie, clearly.  I’ve googled it and found a lot of meanings, and I’ve found one that I think is pretty awesome.

Victorious Ship

I think it suits me.  Not only because I have an anchor tattooed on my chest, but I have been Called by God to be victorious.
It’s pretty awesome that all 30 years of my life, people have been calling me victorious and I didn’t even realize it.

I’ve also looked at the Urban Dictionary definitions…  I’ll just leave it at that.

 

I haven’t read a book in a long time.  Unless you count audio books…  then it has still been quite awhile.

 

I really like giraffes.  Sometimes when I’m working at starbucks filling up the carafes, I picture them being giraffes and I’m pouring milk down their necks.  But that is a little violent, I guess…  So I’ll stop thinking about it.  And typing about it.  So you don’t have to read about it.

 

I don’t know what I don’t know and that doesn’t bother me.

 

More to come later…

Pi

Here’s a song to listen to in the background…

Tonight we talked about grace.  It may not have been the intent, but we ended up talking about it.  I guess I waited too long to actually write about this and forgot what I wanted to say, so here is the short version of it…

We were on the topic of ‘why God allows bad things to happen.’ My response was, in short, that it’s not always that God allows certain things to happen to us, but it’s us that get ourselves into the situations where these things happen.  One of the people in the group mentioned a woman’s testimony about things that happened when she was 3 and how she said that she wants Satan to be mad daily that he chose her to pick on.  They couldn’t figure out why this woman would be blaming Satan, so my short reply was that I agree with her.  I didn’t think that my agreeing would be so controversial, so I went on to explain that I, too, want Satan to pay for everything that he stole from me.  Daily.  I want to DAILY stomp him in the face and trample him so that he knows exactly who he is messing with.  I went on to say that God is a God of mercy, grace, forgiveness and LOVE.  It’s not that he allowed this to happen, I’m pretty sure and I can picture it now, that God was furious!  However this was allowed to happen, it wasn’t God who allowed it.  It was the person who did it to her…  They are to blame.

As far as all of the things that were allowed to happen in my life, I was to blame.  Luckily, it was only hurting me.  (And all of my loved ones that had to watch me hurt myself.)  God didn’t allow this to happen so that I could get over it and be an amazing testimony of God’s grace, He would never want me to go through drug addiction and everything else that I put myself through.

On my drive home, I really started thinking about it and I became furious!  Literally…  I was so mad at what the devil stole from me.  My childhood, my teens, etc.  But mostly, my purity.  I was just getting onto the interstate when I pictured how it went down…

The night I pleaded with God to save me, it was like He was standing at the door, waiting for me to open it for Him.  You see, God is a gentleman and would never push Himself on anyone…  but this night all it took was a turn of the knob and He threw open the door and stormed in with His charging Angels, ready for a battle.
As I have said before, I knew that there was a battle going on, spiritually, but never really thought of it this way until tonight.
God was always right there, I was aware of that, but it’s not like he was all nonchalant about it.  I picture Him standing there being held back from rushing in to save me.  His love for me is so great and I know it pained Him to have to watch me go through life hurting.  But God is a gentleman…  He was waiting for me to open the door.  So when I did…  He came to my rescue.

So what does Pi have to do with this?  Well, if you’re not sure what Pi means, google it.  Pi is a HUGE number, but we’re usually only familiar with the first part 3.14 we don’t get in to the rest of it.  This is how I view a lot of Christians.  On the surface, they know the 3.14 about God, but it is so much deeper than that.  Although with science & technology, we have started to see how big Pi really is, we don’t really know the extent of it.  Wikipedia says it’s an irrational number, it’s number cannot be expressed exactly…
The ways of God cannot be “expressed exactly,” so to speak.
Someone brought up Isaiah 55:8-9 and I think it fits perfectly.

For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD.
“ For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

We will never comprehend the ways of God, His thoughts, etc…  But one thing that I do know, is that God would never want me to suffer to teach me a lesson.  He would never want me to hurt so that I can see that He is greater.  He loves me.  I can’t say why bad things happen to good people.  I can’t tell you why your baby has cancer…  I can’t tell you why that man did those things to you but I can tell you that God has a plan for your life.  A future all mapped out.  A lifetime of happiness and greater than that…  a hope.

So the song at the top of this post…  The lyrics say, “this is what makes my head spin, you’re forever holy.  God of all creation, pour Your life into me.  This is so overwhelming, you’re forever holy, God of my salvation, clothe me in your glory…”

His love for me is overwhelming.  His thoughts about me are higher than I could ever comprehend.  Just to think about it…  makes my head spin.  I’ll never understand why He ever found value in me.  I’ll never be able to explain how His grace gave me a new lease on life.  All I really know is that He will never leave me…  I may mess up.  No, I will mess up.  I’ll do something stupid and once again, He’ll have to come charging in to rescue me.

As far as everything else…  I’m 30 now.  Today…  I never thought I’d make it this far.  I was talking briefly with my mother the other day and our conversation got pretty heavy.  She said that she has a life insurance policy for me.  Most people have them.  But then she told me that it was because she thought she was going to have to bury me.  I had gotten so bad that my mother thought she was going to have to bury me…  It’s deep.  Most people have them to insure their future.
I can only thank God that He rescued me because it’s true…  and a mother should never have to think those things.  And I’m sorry I ever put her though it, but now I want to live a life that makes that policy one more slap in Satan’s face.

So…  here’s to another 30 years of living life.

Don’t Forget About Me

Hey…

How’s it going?

I have so much to say, but don’t want to overwhelm you – I’d rather you just become ‘whelmed’ after reading this.

Let’s just start with some basic things.

I moved to Iowa.

I’m unemployed.

I don’t have a home church.

I feel like I’m backsliding.

I don’t have any friends here.

My best friend is a cat.

Her name is Mali.

I’ve been drinking a lot of unsweet tea because I’m in the north now.

And now for the deeper stuff.  More so just a short definition of each of the previous statements.

I moved to Iowa at the end of June and I live in my father’s basement.  It’s been weird.  Lonely mostly.  All of the jobs I thought were great leads were dead ends.  I’ve had quite a few interviews, but I’m either “over qualified,” or don’t have enough experience – a.k.a. working in a church isn’t “actual” experience because church employees sit around and pray for babies.  Or whatever.  If they only knew that Living Word is hardcore legit work.

Anywho…  There is an awesome church that I would love to go to in Des Moines, but I can’t afford gas since I don’t have a job yet.  It’s about 40 miles away.  There aren’t any churches in Stuart that ‘fit,’ if you know what I mean.  I went to a church today and thought I’d be early, but their website said that service is at 10:30, but they actually start at 9:30…  So I was REALLY late.  I left.  Awkwardly.  I went to the church that I enjoy, but was late.  There was a guest speaker talking about being a father to the fatherless – and how generations get all muffed up because they don’t have a father figure.  I get it.  I don’t want to get in to all of that…  just wanted to share it.
I haven’t really met anyone there – I’ve met a few people, but no more than “hello my name is Kelsie.”  They take a break from their form of Connect Groups in the summer, so I have to wait until September to get in to a group – then I can meet some folks…  it’s what I need.

Let’s see…  Backsliding…  I has some.  Not being at church CONSTANTLY has been really weird.  Working in a church aside, I was there all the time.  I miss that.  Or just being there each week… building relationships…  fellowshipping…  etc.

I’m hungry.

So that all feeds in to not having any friends here.  Mali and I have been hanging out a lot – but I wasn’t created to be a cat lady.  It’s not in my destiny, I’m sure of it.  She’s getting spoiled now and gets all lonely and meowing when I leave the ROOOOOOOM…  She follows me everywhere – even scratches on the bathroom door…  At least when I am gone, my father is usually here so she isn’t completely alone.

Moving sucked, by the way.  She meowed all the way to Tennessee.  I even drugged her with some stuff I got from the vet.  She laid there all sloppy and meowed…  still.  The remedy was putting a box under her crate so she could see out…  Then she would only meow when she needed a snack – or I was singing too loud.

So… Don’t forget about me.  I need prayer right now.  I feel really far away from my comfort zone and I know that we stretch when it gets uncomfortable, but I don’t want to get so stretched that I snap or get yanked back.

End scene…

iwillnotbemoved

Another failed attempt
At life
At anything worthwhile
And I
I stand here
Waiting
Wanting
Watching
As each moment slips by

Another chance at life
At love
At passion
But mostly… JOY
But you can’t have me
I’m not for sale
See, I’ve already been bought
And you could never afford me
And I stand here
Firm
Steady
Unmovable
I won’t be shaken by this
I won’t

I will NOT be moved

This Pain

If the sea could swallow me now
Take this pain and lift it from my heart
And my Lord could hold me now
And take me home
Because this pain
It’s not in the plan

You Should Know

You should know
That you’ve broken my heart
I came here in pieces with a promise that I could be repaired
Made new
But the pieces aren’t so sturdy
They’re breaking off at the seams
Like you knew right where to cut

You should know
That I trusted you
I told you things about me that I swore no one else would hear
But now it’s echoing all around me
My head is heavy with shame
Why?!
I thought it was my past
I’m not allowed to change?
Jesus’ blood didn’t cover that?
I thought a sin was a sin
That forgiveness is for all
If they believe
I believed
But now
I don’t know what to believe
Who to trust
Nobody to turn to
I’m supposed to lie here and take it because it falls under
“Other Duties”
I’m like the path that the seed fell on
Hardened by people walking on it
And I can’t take much more

Weren’t you right here?
So how is my sin so much worse?
I know I was horrible
I came in hurting
Wounded
Crushed
And I still bleed
I haven’t turned my head away
But now
Now I want to run
They’ll always take me back
But with you…
I’ll never fit in
I’ll always be your project
“Let’s see if we can change her life!”
Well…
You did
Now what?
NOW… WHAT?!

You should know
That I can’t stop forgiving you
You taught me that
So take my coat
And my hoodie
And the shirt off my back
I don’t need it
Because if His promises are true like you said they are
This will be over soon
Because I can’t take anymore
I can’t take anymore
I’ll lie here defenseless
Do whatever you say
Because I still trust you
But
You should know
That you’ve broken my heart
I can forgive you
But this time I won’t forget
And maybe soon you’ll take me seriously
Because if I truly trusted you
I could tell you that
You should know
I really need you

On Waiting

 

I wish I were braver
I could conquer the world

We could do it together

You and me

But let’s not say ‘us’

Because we’re barely even friends

We’re struggling to be just you

and just me

And we’re not all that different

But wait, oh, that’s our problem

We’re too similar

Our tastes

Our likes

Our dislikes

You’re trying to be you

And I’m trying to be me

So where does that leave us?

Oh, wait, there is no ‘us’

Only you

And only me

But ‘we’ could be

You know

Because we’re really not that similar, see

Because when I think of ‘us’

I feel complete

But you…

Do you even see me?

HEY!

I’ve been waiting long enough

I’m so tired of this

I’m so tired

I’ve been watching you go back and forth

To and fro

One after another

She’s not the one,

Neither is she

Oh, you say you’ve found her!

But wait, she loves someone else

And I…

I’m still waiting

But I’m losing my patience

I’m fighting to keep a grip

On reality

On life

On my faith

Because…  OMG!

I’m starting to forget who you even are

I’m doubting the things that you once told me to hold on to

And I remember the day you told me about your Savior

You said that He changed you

I wanted to change too

So I said the prayer

You said you’d always be there

And I already knew you would be

So where did you go?

I’ve been waiting here

“patiently”

But I’m going crazy now

We don’t even speak anymore

Not even a nod

I just want you to know that I’m still here

I’m STILL here

And hey, remember that Savior you introduced me to?

I let Him mend my broken heart

Just like you said

So…

Take your time

Because

He will hold my heart and keep it safe

Until you’re ready

And we become us

Exactly As I am

I want to come before You exactly as I am.
I want to strip everything away,
leaving nothing in the way
of exposing who I really am,
of what I truly have become,
because You said you’d take this load from me
and I want to take You at Your Word.
So, here it is,
am I still worth it?
I want to lay my pain and my sorrow directly in your path,
so You’ll for sure, not miss it.
I want my shortcomings galore
to plaster the walls so You’ll see just what I have done,
and how,
without You,
have completely come undone.
All the mistakes I’ve made and the price You paid,
am I still worth it?
I’ll take Your Word for it
although I feel like I’m standing where the east and the west meet.
Where the road is forked between victory and defeat
and
I’ve been walking for miles.
Are You still there?
Can You hear me?
Or have I gotten so far off track that You can’t even see me?
Or maybe You’re right here,
whispering or screaming,
“I’ll Never Leave You!”
I’m not sure where, but along the way
I have forgotten how to hear You,
or what you even look like.
I’m trying to see the value that You see in me,
or how Your life given
makes me any more deserving,
but my reflection repulses me.
Am I still worth it?
For now,
I’ll take You at Your Word.
That You loved me so much that You gave Your life for me.
And soon,
I’ll once again
see the beauty You’ve created in me.
But for now
I want to come before You exactly as I am.